I’m momentarily coming to the end of my mental rope with friends not showing up for me. I’m sympathetic to the fact that people are going through things. And also I need some connection and I’m reaching out and they’re not reaching back.
Author: tec
Way too up to back down.
I RAN FOR TWO MINUTES!!!!!!
Holy moly!
I freaking basked in it.
I then made the slight mistake of looking up how long in distance that two minutes was. A bit shy of .2 miles.
I don’t know why suddenly that felt like a blow. Like I was farther from my goal. Like five more of those is undoable or something. But I suppose upon further recalculation and introspection, .2 miles in two minutes would be a mile in 10-12 minutes, if it was consistent. That ain’t bad! I’ll drive the distance tomorrow and see what it actually is. But, in any case. For now, I ran for two minutes!!!
Dream a little dream of me.
I stayed up all night accidentally and now, suddenly, the sky is light and the birds are chirping away and it’s 4:57. My numbers.
I never got tired. Even now I’m not so tired. What a weird night. And a weird morning.
It feels like it was supposed to happen. This May turned June. This hallowed space and time.
I’ve been hiding for the past month. My vortex May turned into Chris’s vortex May. And I just spun.
I simultaneously floated and dragged my way through the month. Feet never properly touching the ground. I tried. Sometimes. And I succumbed others. Mostly I used those fine-tuned self-preservation skills to compartmentalize the month. Two months. Three.
I was kicking ass and taking names. At the start. And then some weight got heavy and I got tired. And then I chugged along. And then more weight. Until moving was the only thing I had. So I just kept doing that.
Kinetic Jill.
And it wasn’t all self-preservation. Those parts don’t make the mindful parts any less significant or successful. I’ll take it all. It just means a whole bunch of different terrain to navigate.
For now, I’m going to sleep for a few hours. And take the terrain again come (late) morning. It feels light again.
Derail your own train.
No more hiding. I can’t afford it. It costs too much.
The courage I know.
Yesterday was so amazing. And today is hard.
PT this morning was good. Bittersweet. I don’t have any more scheduled appointments with Eliott and I don’t know if I will or not. Gotta see what my doc says about next steps with my arm marbles. But he gave me a bunch more stretches to do and this amazing book of myofascial stretches. I’m so grateful.
And then I had to bring my Mouse to the vet to be put down. That one is hard. His tumor got so big. It was bigger than his head and he hated it and scratched at it and the poor thing. But also he was still so active and I feel terrible that I had to end the active part to be able to end the painful part.
So then when I got home I kinda threw future/ideal me out the window and cut myself a break. And didn’t fuel my body the way I would on other days. These things happen. I ate a few potato chips with homemade frosting and moved on.
I’m marching on to the beat I drum.
In light of yesterday’s awesome, I bit the bullet and did day1 week1 of C25K!!
Holy fuck.
That was amazing and oww and amazing.
I gave myself an extra two minutes of walk time at the halfway point. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to complete the second half without it.
The second half was actually easier than the first, I think. You run 5 of 8 and then suddenly you only have three left and it flies. Craziest thing.
But I did it!!
And I did it in a neighborhood, with people passing and cars passing and a little girl (and her dad) who said hi and asked how I was while I was running and I still answered her back! I let them all be a witness to my greatness instead of feeling like they were all judging me.
Man. I am so fucking proud of myself for this run.
Don’t let it go to waste.
I wanted to get out and run all weekend. But I didn’t. I was kind of afraid.
All last week I walked the neighborhood with S. And I started running being I was brave for S, who was self-conscious to be running outside.
Then it was my turn to be brave alone, and I was like, well, no.
I did use that time to stretch. I stretched all freaking weekend. I did still walk Friday and Saturday. But I didn’t brave the run.
S got back today and I itched for it and made him come with me. I don’t think he loves it. I think, full on, he is humoring me. But that’s okay. I’ll take it.
But so today we walked and at the ten minute mark, I took off running (without S). Up a huge freaking hill. One minute. Check.
We walked some more and came to the huge downhill and we ran it together. One minute. Check.
We walked to the end of that cul de sac and played ball down there for ten minutes. All of which I never stopped jumping or running. Walked back. Ran one minute. Check.
Down another cul de sac and back. This is where S told me he could run down to the corner in a minute. And he fucking booked it. Another minute run. Check.
He took the street in a minute four and was wiped! I told him I aspire to his greatness and that one day we will run it together in less than a minute. Goals!
We walked a short distance more and I told him I was ready to run again. He wasn’t. I told him I’d loop back around. Run one minute. Check.
Almost home now. I feel so freaking good! I want one more run in. He’s dragging. I tell him I’ll loop back around again. One minute run. Check.
Holy moly. I walk it off for a couple more minutes and that was 40 minutes total, including the 10 minute ball playing pause. Six one minute runs. Check.
I’ve never in my life moved my body like this before. I always quietly knew my body was meant for this, but a lifetime of weight (emotional and physical) kept me from it. Life was heavy. Life is lighter now.
Onto the next.
I FUCKING DID IT!!!
One full minute of running!! Holy fuck that was amazing!
The resolute urgency of now.
I am a woman who eats her first meal and then focuses her energy on other endeavors.
I am a woman who is fulfilled by productive action.
I am a woman who acknowledges that some moments are hard but also manageable.
I am a woman who finds the silver lining in every moment.
I am a woman who looks for joy in every second of life without exception.
I am a woman who knows that goodness comes around.
I am a woman who falls and gets back up.
I am a woman who revels in every opportunity for personal growth.
I am a woman who sometimes stomps her feet but always does the hard thing anyway.
I am a woman who shows up for herself and others.
I am a woman who calls random experiences adventures.
I am a woman who is overcome with elation that she exists.
Strong as the oceans and I couldn’t explain why.
Every now and again I wish I didn’t have the memory I do. I wish I wasn’t so adept with numbers and dates. Wish old pictures weren’t so clear.
Today marks ten years since that ridiculous night. Ten years since a day I remember nothing about preceded a night that is still too sharp in my mind.
He pulled a knife on me.
And the whole thing still seems like a nightmare that couldn’t possibly have happened.
That fucking misguided, broken boy. I’d feel sorry for him had the whole thing not broken me so hard. Had he not reopened the wound so many times after for so many years.
I navigate that moment and the many moments after pretty well the rest of the year. But May always hurts a bit. Today always hurts a bit.
I know hope bloomed within all that darkness. I know growth eventually thrived. I know I turned terribly poisonous lemons into the most amazing lemonade I ever tasted. But even still. I mourn.
I don’t mourn the life I once had. Nor do I mourn the future I once pictured. I mourn the addition of yet another person’s betrayal. I mourn another part of me being bound and scarred. I grieve all of that manipulation. My heart hurts to think of all the security that was ripped out from under me.
I have created so much goodness out of the hell that night caused. But I wish I hadn’t needed to.
Tonight, I knew I needed to get out of the house and just walk. S came with me. It drizzled some of the walk. Rained some. We walked some. Ran some. It was cathartic as fuck.
10 years.
Still, one foot in front of the other.
TectonicDraft 