I’m momentarily coming to the end of my mental rope with friends not showing up for me. I’m sympathetic to the fact that people are going through things. And also I need some connection and I’m reaching out and they’re not reaching back.
Yesterday was so amazing. And today is hard.
PT this morning was good. Bittersweet. I don’t have any more scheduled appointments with Eliott and I don’t know if I will or not. Gotta see what my doc says about next steps with my arm marbles. But he gave me a bunch more stretches to do and this amazing book of myofascial stretches. I’m so grateful.
And then I had to bring my Mouse to the vet to be put down. That one is hard. His tumor got so big. It was bigger than his head and he hated it and scratched at it and the poor thing. But also he was still so active and I feel terrible that I had to end the active part to be able to end the painful part.
So then when I got home I kinda threw future/ideal me out the window and cut myself a break. And didn’t fuel my body the way I would on other days. These things happen. I ate a few potato chips with homemade frosting and moved on.
I realized last night I take my recent decrease in anxiety entirely for granted.
I read a post about a girl who is filled with anxiety and dread when she has to go to the store. As an anxiety survivor (and sometimes navigator), I remember that feeling, but even with my recent panic attack, that anxiety currently feels far away.
I remember months of paralyzing time passing when I couldn’t make a phone call to a doctor’s office. Or I’d put off going to the store for days. Or I just couldn’t do the laundry. Hell, this blog. I’m great at writing it, but setting the whole thing up and actually launching my site is taking months.
But back to the grocery store and the pandemic. It’s absolutely scary. The thought of being out of commission for so long and feeling like you could quite literally die. Or even the prospect of dying. It is all scary.
The thing is…I just don’t think of those things. That kind of anxiety doesnt trip me up. And I should really stop taking that for granted.
So I want to put out into the universe right now that I am filled with overwhelming gratitude that I can go grocery shopping without anxiety. (But only like every ten days, because, seriously guys, there’s a pandemic out there. Be smart. Stay home.) And still, I am so fucking grateful.
I actually have a quick shopping story. I was stocking up a few days ago. Walking around with my mask and my knitted hat. Pushing my shopping cart with the sleeves of my hoodie. Being safe and spreading joy. Making eye contact and smiling at every person I see.
Some people ignore me and others give an obligatory half smile back. No matter. You do you.
But one guy smiled and winked at me! And it totally fucking made my day. Because in the midst of all this unknown and chaos and upheaval, we shared this nanosecond of normal life.
I hope that in the midst of this pandemic, and the unknown and the anxiety and the isolation, you are gifted moments of human connection that make life feel a little like life again.
Future me shared in confidence today. This eating disorder can appear at any time–nature of the disease. When things are really blah or really awesome. Any time it wants.
Future me stays proactive. So I stay proactive.
Today the boys and I made a cake, along with frosting from scratch. We videochat’d with grandma and grandpa, and then Sue and I laughed so hard we cried when S ate a spoonful of cocoa powder. It was really such an amazing way to spend an hour, especially when we can’thave physical contact.
Afterwards the boys and I each had a piece of cake and Chris stood in abstained solidarity with R because she cut out sugar this month. S asked for another piece, as he is wont to do, and I said no.
Then the cake sat there awhile.
It would have been so freaking easy to eat more and also I would have felt so sick. So I abstained too. It was easy.
This is when future me tapped me on the shoulder and said, “what about tomorrow?”
Me, I replied, “what about what about tomorrow?”
“What about when the appeal is bigger tomorrow? What about if the disease feels bigger tomorrow? What about when it isn’t easy?”
Future me is proactive. So I am proactive.
I cut enough for the boys to have a couple small slices over the next few days, and then I wrapped up the rest for the freezer.
This emptied and clean baking dish felt better than anything else I did today.
She came. She saw. She conquered.
We volunteered to foster a dog a few days ago. Chris and I adventure roadtrip’d a half hour away to pick up this super sweet stray. Then we detoured to pick up supplies and came home.
Our dog was not fond of the new pup.
<insert super sad panda face>
We navigated and kept the dogs separate. It was a huge pain in the ass, but still totally worth it! She was sweet, but also 50lbs of pure charging muscle. We learned she was just 14 months old and it showed in the adorable way she couldn’t control her running body. I called her a flopsy mopsy cottontail of a dog.
L loved her, but not how fast she would come at him. Nor did he love her kisses. I, on the other hand, loved her excited chin licks.
Yesterday L and I took her to animal services so the vet could do a checkup and check her skin. It was a fun way to get out of the house during a quarantine.
Today Harley enjoyed sleeping “next to” MJ, but we couldn’t quite make it work better than that.
A volunteer picked her up this evening to bring her to a foster to adopt home. I hope it’s her new permanent home and that she feels safe and loved.
As I sit home tonight feeling safe and loved, I am especially grateful for a husband who not only tolerates these random acts of kindness and joy, but fully supports me in all these endeavors as well. And I’m grateful for kids who think it’s mostly sorta pretty all right too.