Tag: grocery shopping

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

Hold on to the thread.

tec

I realized last night I take my recent decrease in anxiety entirely for granted.

I read a post about a girl who is filled with anxiety and dread when she has to go to the store. As an anxiety survivor (and sometimes navigator), I remember that feeling, but even with my recent panic attack, that anxiety currently feels far away.

I remember months of paralyzing time passing when I couldn’t make a phone call to a doctor’s office. Or I’d put off going to the store for days. Or I just couldn’t do the laundry. Hell, this blog. I’m great at writing it, but setting the whole thing up and actually launching my site is taking months.

But back to the grocery store and the pandemic. It’s absolutely scary. The thought of being out of commission for so long and feeling like you could quite literally die. Or even the prospect of dying. It is all scary.

The thing is…I just don’t think of those things. That kind of anxiety doesnt trip me up. And I should really stop taking that for granted.

So I want to put out into the universe right now that I am filled with overwhelming gratitude that I can go grocery shopping without anxiety. (But only like every ten days, because, seriously guys, there’s a pandemic out there. Be smart. Stay home.) And still, I am so fucking grateful.

I actually have a quick shopping story. I was stocking up a few days ago. Walking around with my mask and my knitted hat. Pushing my shopping cart with the sleeves of my hoodie. Being safe and spreading joy. Making eye contact and smiling at every person I see.

Some people ignore me and others give an obligatory half smile back. No matter. You do you.

But one guy smiled and winked at me! And it totally fucking made my day. Because in the midst of all this unknown and chaos and upheaval, we shared this nanosecond of normal life.

I hope that in the midst of this pandemic, and the unknown and the anxiety and the isolation, you are gifted moments of human connection that make life feel a little like life again.

Uncategorized

I’m bare-boned and crazy for you.

tec

Here it is Sunday night. Almost time for sleep. Truth be told, I should have gone to sleep an hour ago. I just want to take some time to reflect on my weekend first.

I don’t know that I had a picture Friday night of what I wanted for my weekend. And maybe that’s better. Expectations tend to sabotage future moments.

Friday night I ended up going to sleep and Chris and I hadn’t watched any episodes of Heroes. I know he had kinda passed out at one point and was pretty bummed about being human and tired and needing sleep. As I was getting ready for sleep, I came to find a very old blog I had written at for many years. Life is weird. It provided a momentary distraction and now I’m kinda over it. (It’s a good “over it” tho. The kind where there is nothing from the past holding onto me today.)

Saturday morning was sheets of ice for roads, and my alanon meeting, and later long connecty conversations with Chris and a snowstorm that didn’t storm as much as predicted. It was me buying a domain name for this here blog and allowing it to have an official home that I can call my own. It was lit candles and opening the year 4 anniversary tobacco blend. It was Chris marking me as his and kisses and entanglements and too cold kitchen and perfect warm bedrooms. It was spooning and contented slumbers. It was multiple Heroes episodes and bliss.

Today, yesterday’s sparse-ish snow afforded us a shopping trip and a restock of healthier food to make way for healthier plans. It was moments of overstimulation (on my part) that provided opportunity to share my voice and my thoughts and my ruffled feathers. And it gave Chris the opportunity to show me how “defensive” isn’t his go to anymore and how we can have reasonable conversations and I learned that I was able to perceive his reactions accurately.

I know we’re always practicing our individual, personal growth as well as growth in our relationship. It was really cool today tho to see so clearly how it has evolved. So many aspects of ourselves are the same as (almost) seven years ago, and soooooo many are different. We are better people. And really, that’s just always what I want for myself. I want to try and fuck up and try again and practice and mess up and, at the end of the day, no matter the little moments, I want my big picture to reveal that I was always growing into better. And that we were always striving for that together.