Tag: future me

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For all the roads you followed.

tec

There’s a thing I do with food. To not make things about food.

I decide.

It’s not always easy. But it’s simple.

And the more times I do it, the more often it is just easy.

In November I decided to intermittent fast and have my window be 9am til 7pm. Soon I decided to changed it to noon til 7. That felt okay until no behavior changed beyond the decision.

Enter more decisions.

The last couple weeks I’ve really driven into not only who I want to be, but who I am. Not only entertaining what my future ideal self would say, but also what I want to say right here, right now.

I don’t want it to be so grueling. I don’t want it to have to be so hard.

So I decide.

And then I execute the decision.

An eating window always benefitted me because once I had food, a switch turned on in my head and I couldn’t “off” food. I didn’t off food. But the eating window just shortens the issue. It doesn’t address it.

After weeks of thinking “what would the future, ideal Jill do?” and sometimes answering honestly, and sometimes fooling myself, I finally realized it was all just a stopgap.

It’s all important and I’ve needed it all as part of my journey. But I need something that feels more sturdy. I need something that makes all the chatter dissipate. I need the quiet.

Deciding helps bring me more quiet.

So I eat my meal and then I make the conscious decision “Don’t eat anything else for an hour.” And then I execute it.

I focus my energy and action elsewhere. I write or clean or play or move my body. I do the thing that quiets my mind.

And eventually I eat again. And then I decide. And then I execute it.

There’s no stomping or loss or grief. It feels like healing.

It’s not easy. But it’s easier than it was last week. And it’ll be easier still. I’m not ignoring myself or my feelings. I’m not distracting myself or skipping out. I’m just choosing to thrive in growth instead of drown in food.

It’s a perfectly imperfect system. I’m no robot. This is about being human here. I get tripped up and I go again. Getting back up is just as vital as decide and execute. Getting back up is decide and execute.

I know that in time, as consistency lends to routine, and routine turns to habit, it will be the foundation that changes the behavior, which is the whole point. It will be the answer to the question “what would future, ideal Jill say?” that I’ll no longer have to stop and ask myself. Because I’ll just know. Because I’ll just be.

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It took some time to survive you.

tec

I’ve been disconnecting my why and my who from my present the past few days.

I’m sure there’s a reason. I’m sure that reason is important. But I haven’t tread there yet. I haven’t come here to pick it apart.

I know part (most?) of it is stress. I know it’s some of the little behind-the-scenes stuff happening that is out of my control. Or was once in my control (sorta) and I didn’t fight then to turn overwhelm into action. And so now there are multiple overwhelm categories all sneaking to the forefront at once.

I could name them, but that is scary. I’m not there yet. Even tho I know it’s helpful.

So I’m checking them off slowly without naming them.

But even still, I find myself here, now, facing the fact that my why and my who have not been congruent with my relationship with food. And that’s okay. There’s no shame in that. It’s observation. And still, it’s my present truth.

And that’s not to say that has to be my truth the next time I eat or tonight or tomorrow. It’s just the truth of what the last couple days have looked like. And part of my personal development is that I’m self aware enough to notice and acknowledge these things, and then decide where I place my foot during my next step.

I’ve noticed and acknowledged the last few days. Of course I have! I no longer have the luxury of not seeing it. And still I’ve made the decisions that the ideal, future, healthy version of me would. not. make. And to make it worse, when I make the anti-me decisions, I tack on preposterous words like, “future me would give herself a break right now and eat this” and “future me would allow for self care to be this one cookie”.

FUTURE ME WOULD. NOT. SAY. THAT.

Future me would say, “find a different way, sister!” (Because future me will sometimes talk like Rachel Hollis and randomly call people sister.)

Future me would also take the time to write because it’s my therapy. Because it brings me back to me. Because it brings me closer to living and breathing my idealized me.

So I sit here writing. Because it’s important. It’s vital. I need it. And I take breaks for self care.

Today I took L to the doctor and re-set myself on a stress path. I need to solidify some research there and put pen to paper. That will help. Today I will also call the tax guy and re-set myself on that stress path. Actively being on those paths is a lot less stressful than knowing I need to get on them. My higher functioning brain knows this, but the whole rest of my being fights it.

And I should also talk to my husband and speak some stress paths because that may be helpful even tho I keep adamantly dragging my feet about it and it’s the very very last thing I want to actually do.

So. Time to jump.

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

I know what I know if you know what I mean.

tec

Future me shared in confidence today. This eating disorder can appear at any time–nature of the disease. When things are really blah or really awesome. Any time it wants.

Future me stays proactive. So I stay proactive.

Today the boys and I made a cake, along with frosting from scratch. We videochat’d with grandma and grandpa, and then Sue and I laughed so hard we cried when S ate a spoonful of cocoa powder. It was really such an amazing way to spend an hour, especially when we can’thave physical contact.

Afterwards the boys and I each had a piece of cake and Chris stood in abstained solidarity with R because she cut out sugar this month. S asked for another piece, as he is wont to do, and I said no.

Then the cake sat there awhile.

It would have been so freaking easy to eat more and also I would have felt so sick. So I abstained too. It was easy.

This is when future me tapped me on the shoulder and said, “what about tomorrow?”

Me, I replied, “what about what about tomorrow?”

“What about when the appeal is bigger tomorrow? What about if the disease feels bigger tomorrow? What about when it isn’t easy?”

Oh.

Future me is proactive. So I am proactive.

I cut enough for the boys to have a couple small slices over the next few days, and then I wrapped up the rest for the freezer.

This emptied and clean baking dish felt better than anything else I did today.

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Fault lines that cannot sit still.

tec

The Lightbulb

I’ve heard a lot of great quotes in my lifetime that provide these life changing lightbulb moments for me. I “AHA!” and then…nada.

Lightbulb doesn’t stick.

Such is life sometimes. I’m only human.

I’ve heard quotes before about “future me” and how I can make choices now that future me would make. It sounded awesome! Huge lightbulb. I even wrote “what would future me do?” on the dry erase board. Then nada.

But two weeks ago, when I started the next90 challenge, Rachel Hollis said something. And I sparked. And I’m a freaking forest fire now.

The Match

Rachel explained the thought line so tangibly. She said (paraphrasing some here), “Imagine you have spent the last six months living as the dream version of yourself. The best version of you lives out the next six months. The best version of you shows up every day for yourself. The best version of you shows up every day for your family. You are more intentional and more present. Your gratitude journal is overflowing. You’ve been moving your body every day and drinking water and eating healthy foods. You feel stronger and your body is thriving. You live intentionally for six months.

“What does your life look like then? What does it look like in August? September? October? What does it look like when you’ve been living your dream life for six months?

“Imagine that person now. Be specific. What does that person look like? Dress like? That person–you, at your best–showing up well for you. Showing up well for others.

“Now. What would that person say to the person you are today? What does that person know is true? What does that person need you to do? What does that person want you to do right now?

“Six months from now–the very best version of you–what would they tell you to do in this situation?”

The Spark

And even tho I’ve heard that schtick before, something about her phrasing was palpable. Something hit and stuck. But not only stuck–it feels sewn into me.

Now when faced with a choice–food to binge, dessert to eat, time to spend–I do not think about how present me feels about it; future me fills my thoughts. I am not consumed by a present loss, I am overcome by a future gain. Instead of aspiring to be like Rachel or Dave or Kendra, I am aspiring to be future me. A spark that lights the world on fire.

Two weeks in and I’m still ablaze.