Tag: practice

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

I can live and breathe and see the sun.

tec

Alright. As my week wraps up and I review the hellish “through not around” that I waded in with my daughter this week, I want to take the opportunity to note some tangible tools I have learned.

Embrace the steps.

Step one. It’s not about me. It’s unmanageable. It’s not mine. Step two. Someone else has got this. Step three. Take a step back and let it be that someone else’s. Step six. Practice the pause.

I realize I’m skipping four and five here.  It’s not to minimize them. Those ones have deeper digging. They do not pertain quite yet within my immediate, tangible action.

Create the tiniest gap.

My goal–that I haven’t taken much time to write about–is that I want the voices in my head to quiet. That quiet is the peace I am aspiring to. That quiet is a return to my best and highest self.

When the thought loops run rampant, as they are wont to do unchecked, I spiral out. I want so much more than that for myself. I am so much more than that.

I have options. I can tell the voice to fuck off. I can turn my attention to constructive actions. I can write down the thought loops and walk away from them. I can mantra in my head “words and opportunity”. I can ask to have it taken away. I can journal longform about it. I can ask myself “Am I acting from a place of love or s place of fear?”

Whichever I choose, the act of pausing and deciding creates a gap for the universe to come in and support me.

Move.

This is just a good go to on any day. Gets me simultaneously in my head and out of my head. It grounds me to the earth and the universe. It provides the connection back to self.

Reality is kinetic.

Perspective dictates that not only can people have entirely different experiences to the same situation, but those experiences can morph and muddle with time. Reality can shift and transmogrify, and none of it is real and all of it is real. Whatever we remember and however we filter it creates a picture through our lens and it becomes our truth.

This isn’t good nor bad. It’s life. This is something I’ve always been aware of, but I had many attachment thoughts about it. It is now clear to me it is something I need to accept. I don’t have a “how” for that right yet. But all the other tangible things I’ve come to acquire this week tell me that I can ask for the how and then I can wait and it’ll be given to me when I need it.

So….I’m learning to do the work and also just stop. Both and neither. Click click and click.

~~~~~~~

I want to add. My process normally is that I write and then I share and talk about it with Chris. I’ve found in the past that when I talk it over first, I never write about it, and I don’t like losing that part.

I’ve been trying to write this particular post all week and none of it came. It was too wordy and circumvented all the tangibility.

I was finally able to, yesterday, share with Chris the events that unfolded over the week. His week began with a seizure and recovery, and mine was full of navigating Tuesday with R and the week with the boys.

After connecting with Chris last night to share the story of my week, and after he listened so attentively and responded so compassionately, it allowed this post to flow easily. We were us, with all the extra personal growth we’ve worked for. It is goodness.

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For all the roads you followed.

tec

There’s a thing I do with food. To not make things about food.

I decide.

It’s not always easy. But it’s simple.

And the more times I do it, the more often it is just easy.

In November I decided to intermittent fast and have my window be 9am til 7pm. Soon I decided to changed it to noon til 7. That felt okay until no behavior changed beyond the decision.

Enter more decisions.

The last couple weeks I’ve really driven into not only who I want to be, but who I am. Not only entertaining what my future ideal self would say, but also what I want to say right here, right now.

I don’t want it to be so grueling. I don’t want it to have to be so hard.

So I decide.

And then I execute the decision.

An eating window always benefitted me because once I had food, a switch turned on in my head and I couldn’t “off” food. I didn’t off food. But the eating window just shortens the issue. It doesn’t address it.

After weeks of thinking “what would the future, ideal Jill do?” and sometimes answering honestly, and sometimes fooling myself, I finally realized it was all just a stopgap.

It’s all important and I’ve needed it all as part of my journey. But I need something that feels more sturdy. I need something that makes all the chatter dissipate. I need the quiet.

Deciding helps bring me more quiet.

So I eat my meal and then I make the conscious decision “Don’t eat anything else for an hour.” And then I execute it.

I focus my energy and action elsewhere. I write or clean or play or move my body. I do the thing that quiets my mind.

And eventually I eat again. And then I decide. And then I execute it.

There’s no stomping or loss or grief. It feels like healing.

It’s not easy. But it’s easier than it was last week. And it’ll be easier still. I’m not ignoring myself or my feelings. I’m not distracting myself or skipping out. I’m just choosing to thrive in growth instead of drown in food.

It’s a perfectly imperfect system. I’m no robot. This is about being human here. I get tripped up and I go again. Getting back up is just as vital as decide and execute. Getting back up is decide and execute.

I know that in time, as consistency lends to routine, and routine turns to habit, it will be the foundation that changes the behavior, which is the whole point. It will be the answer to the question “what would future, ideal Jill say?” that I’ll no longer have to stop and ask myself. Because I’ll just know. Because I’ll just be.

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Tell me I’m fine.

tec

This morning is rough.

I’m consciously staying in mindset mode, but it’s challenging.

I woke up so sore today. My arm and shoulder hurt so much. And I knew that constant ache had subsided, but with all the flu going on and all the e-learning and pandemic and self-isolation, it was just nice. And not necessarily a fore-front kind of awareness.

But today I woke up and couldn’t raise my blanket over myself with my left arm again and it all came flooding back to me. I remembered all those months–almost a year of them–of not having the use of my arm. Of being careful and guarded and in constant soreness. Always being reminded my body isn’t where it is supposed to be.

And then after ten months of physical therapy, they finally found a spot that trigger point release worked! And then I got the flu and my whole family got the flu and I couldn’t go to my therapy sessions and didn’t do my stretches. And that was all okay because suddenly I didn’t have the constant ache and I could function!

But I woke up this morning and I couldn’t pull my blanket over me. And I was overwhelmed by all the ways illness slowly steered me from all of my routines. I know I don’t have to stay overwhelmed. I know I can put overwhelm into action and turn the whole thing around.

Knowing it doesn’t make it easy.

I commit to my regular morning routine. I commit to my regular routine life. I’m going to put a podcast on and make sure that my ego-driven doubt and shame get drowned out. It’s not real. I’m going to make coffee and brush teeth and do the dishes. I’m going to take my daily medicines. I’m going to do a pass through of decluttering and disinfecting. I’m going to do my stretches.

Action bores suffocation.

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I’ll carry these torches for you.

tec

“I’m not going to do extra if you aren’t going to do your part.”

I’ve been struggling with S not listening. For years now. Consequences nor rewards really make any difference. He’ll even weigh consequences to see if it’s worth it.

I know he has special things going on, but I know too it doesn’t have to be this unmanageable.

I have no current memory if I’ve written about the goals I decided for my 12 week class. I wrote about my 12 week class, right? Gosh, I feel so braindead. I have so many posts in my head waiting to be written.

I have four main goals. To have weekly one on one time with Chris and R and S. To get our home decluttered to its completion. To practice and adopt an abundance mindset. To get my official website launched.

One goal that I backburnered was the whole “our family is a team and we all have a role.” I delayed it, not because of its unimportance, but because I want to have a foundation in place first. I think a foundation can best be lain with one on one time. Baby steps. Boundaries are important too tho and this crazy phrase came out of my mouth this morning “I’m not going to do extra if you aren’t going to do your part” and I feel like this might be a turning point for me. It takes it away from S and puts my part back in my hands.

I’ll do my team player part. But I’m not doing extra when I’m not getting basic team playerness in return. And this is where mindshift meets backburnered goals!

I feel really good about this new boundary and affirmation for mindset.

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Yesterday a child came out to wonder.

tec

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It feels like this was specifically written for me. It is words I haven’t been able to find for myself. It’s not answers. But it’s something.

It’s a spark.

I don’t yet have a real grasp on…who I am. I know the what’s. I know I’m silver lining girl and mom and wife. I know I lead with gratitude and kindness and perseverance. I know I practice and practice and practice.

I know I don’t have a clear grasp of my special qualities and skills. I know Chris rolls his eyes when I say “yeah, but everyone is always working toward active growth and progress!” ….which is apparently not quite true. And then he rolls his eyes again when I say, “yeah, but I had no choice to keep going!!” Which…again, apparently, not true.

But I don’t know these things. I thought everyone just kept reaching for more self-awareness and growth. I didn’t know “just keep swimming” was a suggestion.

So here I have these, apparently, special attributes. And a huge lack of confidence to go with them. Apparently I’m super self aware, but only to my weaknesses.

So I’m on a ladder.

And I see soooooooo many people above me. And so many people below me. The people who are also working toward having some of their shit together and who are making so much money. And the people who have no shit together and are raking it in. The people decluttering, but not to the best of my ability (super vulnerable moment here where I admit my judginess. Which I totally realize stems solely from my own insecurity…). Or worse yet, they’re not decluttering to the best of their ability! And they don’t even care! (vulnerable moment #2 because fuckin’ a, other people are none of my business and I know this and I’m making them my business anyway!) The people who are drowning in depression or anxiety or addiction. The people drowning in their spouse’s addictions. The people who sound like they’re sucking up to people I admire and having their response be eaten up. Me, being publicly vulnerable, and reaching out to these same people I admire, and having their responses feel lacking when I confide. Then I second guess myself and wonder if I sounded….sucking up-esque.

Ohmygosh, I’ve just gone back and reread what I wrote and it all sounds exhausting! There are so many people on the ladder and I haven’t learned how to turn my brain off about them! Or about myself!

Mostly, not turning my brain off has only served to make me feel inferior. And then I constantly have this sense of “I can’t do anything right” when it comes to interacting with others. And all I want is to connect with people and all I’ve managed so far is to make that impossible.

I lead with love on the surface, but below the surface I am waiting in fear for the next person to pounce me and put me in my place or tell me I’m wrong or that I’m no good.

I feel like I’m getting closer. I feel like the puzzle pieces are moving around and a clearer picture is trying to come into focus. I can feel the uncomfortable forces of change stirring around me–stirring within me. I know it’s time to dig deep and lean into it. I know I’m scared. I know it’s worth it. I know, one day, I will feel worth it.

I need to step off the ladder.

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Dancing in the rumbling dark.

tec

No more distractions. Today I commit pen to paper (what I wouldn’t give for this to be handwritten and typed out) to talk about my weekly goals.

Week 3 (Nov 25): Mindful posture.

I had started listening to Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. It resounded so logically in my brain that I was immediately immersed in it. It really felt like it made all the world make sense. It made human beings make sense.

I only listened to the first few rules before the audiobook returned itself to the library app I was using, but so much has stayed with me. The most significant being posture. What physiological messages posture sends to our brain and our cells. What cultural messages our posture sends out to others. What psychological messages get sent to our mind. So fascinating!

And once I learned the biological anthropology of it all, I kinda just look at humans differently now. Myself especially. I want my body language to exude confidence even if my mind hasn’t caught up yet. So…mindful posture.

It used to be that I would sit and do something and I’d be all hunched over and my spine would be a giant C and I’d think, “Eh, whatever. It’s more comfortable than training my muscles to hold my body up properly.” Which is a terrible thing to think and yet, honestly, I did. Often. But that has all changed and now when I notice, I challenge my lazy thoughts and honor my body. Turns out my body really appreciates the improved blood flow and circulation and increased muscle strength and it pays off in dividends. Who knew? (Okay. Fine. Loooooots of people knew. But now I do too.)

Week 4 (Dec 2): Daily PT exercises.

I roll my eyes here a little. It seems so obviously that I’d already just do these because I’m in physical therapy and I want to feel better. But, being the stubborn human I can sometimes be, I really fight this part.

I want to have full range of motion. Of course. And also, goddamnit, I want to just have full range of motion without having to constantly work at it.

Told you there is an eyeroll.

So I fight it. But I put this goal in place to minimize the damage of my stubbornness.

I do not accomplish this goal daily. Full transparency. At the start it was often. In the middle there was possibly an entire week I didn’t do it at all. The past two weeks, I’ve been about…80%? I’ll freaking take 80% here, kids. Practice over perfection.

I’ve been paying a lot of attention recently to how my brain filters and decides things. I’ve come to see that for constructive success, I need to do the thing the moment I think of it. If my stretches cross my mind and I think, “I’ll do those later” or “I’ll do that in a bit,” it’s a no go. I won’t do it. I’ll forget. I’ll get distracted. So, just like I keep harping on my 12 year old, “Listen the first time,” turns out I should too.

So I have been and it’s made the difference. And it’s an interesting thing the brain does when you are often doing action at the onset of the thought. There is less inaction and less reaction. The procrastination and perfectionism and fears really just have nowhere to go if you are getting the things finished before all the things finish you.

Gonna go do these stretches now. More on the weekly goals later.