Yesterday a child came out to wonder.


It feels like this was specifically written for me. It is words I haven’t been able to find for myself. It’s not answers. But it’s something.

It’s a spark.

I don’t yet have a real grasp on…who I am. I know the what’s. I know I’m silver lining girl and mom and wife. I know I lead with gratitude and kindness and perseverance. I know I practice and practice and practice.

I know I don’t have a clear grasp of my special qualities and skills. I know Chris rolls his eyes when I say “yeah, but everyone is always working toward active growth and progress!” ….which is apparently not quite true. And then he rolls his eyes again when I say, “yeah, but I had no choice to keep going!!” Which…again, apparently, not true.

But I don’t know these things. I thought everyone just kept reaching for more self-awareness and growth. I didn’t know “just keep swimming” was a suggestion.

So here I have these, apparently, special attributes. And a huge lack of confidence to go with them. Apparently I’m super self aware, but only to my weaknesses.

So I’m on a ladder.

And I see soooooooo many people above me. And so many people below me. The people who are also working toward having some of their shit together and who are making so much money. And the people who have no shit together and are raking it in. The people decluttering, but not to the best of my ability (super vulnerable moment here where I admit my judginess. Which I totally realize stems solely from my own insecurity…). Or worse yet, they’re not decluttering to the best of their ability! And they don’t even care! (vulnerable moment #2 because fuckin’ a, other people are none of my business and I know this and I’m making them my business anyway!) The people who are drowning in depression or anxiety or addiction. The people drowning in their spouse’s addictions. The people who sound like they’re sucking up to people I admire and having their response be eaten up. Me, being publicly vulnerable, and reaching out to these same people I admire, and having their responses feel lacking when I confide. Then I second guess myself and wonder if I sounded….sucking up-esque.

Ohmygosh, I’ve just gone back and reread what I wrote and it all sounds exhausting! There are so many people on the ladder and I haven’t learned how to turn my brain off about them! Or about myself!

Mostly, not turning my brain off has only served to make me feel inferior. And then I constantly have this sense of “I can’t do anything right” when it comes to interacting with others. And all I want is to connect with people and all I’ve managed so far is to make that impossible.

I lead with love on the surface, but below the surface I am waiting in fear for the next person to pounce me and put me in my place or tell me I’m wrong or that I’m no good.

I feel like I’m getting closer. I feel like the puzzle pieces are moving around and a clearer picture is trying to come into focus. I can feel the uncomfortable forces of change stirring around me–stirring within me. I know it’s time to dig deep and lean into it. I know I’m scared. I know it’s worth it. I know, one day, I will feel worth it.

I need to step off the ladder.


Walking around with me.

I had a moment on new year’s eve where I thought, “I just can’t do this anymore.”

And then I had a running monologue about how “this always happens” and “I always think I can do this and I fail” and “I don’t know why I even try if it never takes me to a place that feels healthy.” and then I just kept chugging along.

I know my motto is always “practice” but still, I get caught up in the perfectionism of it all. In the instant gratification. Hell, in the wish of two months being long enough to feel productive and constructive and successful.

But the honest truth is, I just don’t.

I mean, sometimes I do. But for the most-of-the-time big picture, I don’t feel productive, constructive or successful. I feel like I’m treading water and drowning and floating and waiting and buoying and treading and drowning and floating. And I’m not dead, so by default: woohoo, success. But, by like, a standard of measures I’d prefer to use? It doesn’t often feel like much.

I don’t want to feel like my day’s goal is complete just because I stick to an arbitrary eating window of noon to 7pm. I mean, there are aspects of that that are important right now, but I can clock in/clock out with it and it doesn’t feel like…purpose.

I want to find purpose. I have decent weekly goals and I attain a decent amount of them, but they don’t excite me. I want to attain a goal and be like “I worked my ass off for that and I completed it and it’s behind me and I’m a fucking rockstar.”

I just…I have no idea what that is…