Tag: Allie Casazza

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Out on your corner in the pouring rain.

tec

Welcome to the third edition of The Basement Chronicles.

I haven’t worked on the basement in a few days, but I want to catch up on all my progress down there.

Also, as a sidenote. All of this work was accomplished while listening to Rise Together. What an inspiring and entertaining podcast.

Progress #4. (2.16)

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I cleaned off the play table and the dresser. I organized the 3×3 of toys, but currently it’s mostly papers/school supplies. I added a bookcase and unpacked a box of kid books.

Progress #5. (2.18)

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I don’t have a before shot of this. It had previously been boxes and boxes of dvds and random stuff and I don’t even remember what. But I cleared out the whole space and it was empty and amazing. I don’t have a shot of that either. Then I moved the clothes totes here from the front room and went through a couple boxes from the front. It seemed like a good place to temporarily store the luggage too.

Progress #6. (2.19)

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Holy smokes!

And an updated view of the front room.

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Chris was inspired by my work downstairs and he wanted to declutter and beautify his work area downstairs too! I don’t have a picture of that, but some of this trash is his and I’m so fucking proud of him.

This week I am committed to making space to work through some of my 12 week Kendra program stuff. Also, my sponsor gave me new homework and I’m going to devote time to that too.  I’ll write about both of these soon.

Off to sleep now!

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We must let go to know what’s right.

tec

The Basement Chronicles.

So, we left off at progress on February 6th. Some time ticked on by after this. A woman name Angel posted in a group that she needed accountability for a three day decluttering party and I love that shit, so I was giddy to volunteer. Luckily she was down for texting and I could bypass fb messenger. Decluttering while I knew she was decluttering was really motivated and I got a lot accomplished.

Progress #2. (2.12)

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The following day Angel and I texted back and forth and I was telling her I want an empty basement. Not entirely empty. I want the storage shelves to contain storage. And then I want the rest empty, apart from a play area/book nook. She asked me about intent and why I wanted my basement empty. I gave her the spiel about growing up in chaos and hoarder family members and she wisely pointed out that the “nots” of wanting something wasn’t the way to bring about intent. So I came up with:

I want to walk downstairs and have an open space that feels peaceful and relaxing. I want a space that allows me to breathe life into it. Instead of a space that breathes chaos into me.

And then I did progress #3. (2.13)

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My current process is that I’m decluttering the basement in waves. This will not be my only pass through. I’m working my way around to get to everything on the surface. Separate trash from donation from “go through”. Then complete the trash runs and donation drop offs. Then I will start tackling the deeper things.

More progress to come soon!

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Repeat steps one through three.

tec

So. Hello. Welcome to the first edition of The Basement Chronicles.

I’m your host. The Incomparable Asskicker.

Ha. I get so cocky after just a week of action taking. (Okay…a couple weeks…)

Really, above anything else, I’m just really fucking proud of myself. I’m nowhere near done. I haven’t made any trash runs or donations drop offs. But I’m in the game and I’m just doing it and it feels really good.

I have pictures somewhere of my basement from a few years ago. Times it was at its worst or had just recently been organized but was still overflowing with stuff. I’ve never tackled it like this before. I’ve never led with such intent.

This is what it looked like February 6th when I began.

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That pathway was only there so we had room to get a new washer to the other side of the basement the week prior. Previously it had been a much smaller, much more treacherous pathway that was only used when we had to do laundry.

Progress #1. (2.6)

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I cleared off R’s art table because she hasn’t used it in over a year. I made it my “go through these” table. I wanted to have the hard work front and center, but know I didn’t have to put my energy there until I was ready. (I’m still not ready and that’s still perfectly okay.)

More to come of my progress soon! This is so exciting!

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Swan dive.

tec

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I keep fiddling with tectonicdraft related things, but have yet to launch my actual site. I will get there. There is no question. But also, ohmygosh, just freakin’ do it already, would ya?!

I’m currently doing some behind the scenes related things in my life. I’m working on decluttering my basement and my head. I signed up for Kendra Hennessy’s 12 week Your Best Mom Life course. I’m setting goals and connecting. I’m doing the work I’ve always been afraid of, but I’m not afraid.

I feel like I’m on the precipice toward myself.

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Yesterday a child came out to wonder.

tec

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It feels like this was specifically written for me. It is words I haven’t been able to find for myself. It’s not answers. But it’s something.

It’s a spark.

I don’t yet have a real grasp on…who I am. I know the what’s. I know I’m silver lining girl and mom and wife. I know I lead with gratitude and kindness and perseverance. I know I practice and practice and practice.

I know I don’t have a clear grasp of my special qualities and skills. I know Chris rolls his eyes when I say “yeah, but everyone is always working toward active growth and progress!” ….which is apparently not quite true. And then he rolls his eyes again when I say, “yeah, but I had no choice to keep going!!” Which…again, apparently, not true.

But I don’t know these things. I thought everyone just kept reaching for more self-awareness and growth. I didn’t know “just keep swimming” was a suggestion.

So here I have these, apparently, special attributes. And a huge lack of confidence to go with them. Apparently I’m super self aware, but only to my weaknesses.

So I’m on a ladder.

And I see soooooooo many people above me. And so many people below me. The people who are also working toward having some of their shit together and who are making so much money. And the people who have no shit together and are raking it in. The people decluttering, but not to the best of my ability (super vulnerable moment here where I admit my judginess. Which I totally realize stems solely from my own insecurity…). Or worse yet, they’re not decluttering to the best of their ability! And they don’t even care! (vulnerable moment #2 because fuckin’ a, other people are none of my business and I know this and I’m making them my business anyway!) The people who are drowning in depression or anxiety or addiction. The people drowning in their spouse’s addictions. The people who sound like they’re sucking up to people I admire and having their response be eaten up. Me, being publicly vulnerable, and reaching out to these same people I admire, and having their responses feel lacking when I confide. Then I second guess myself and wonder if I sounded….sucking up-esque.

Ohmygosh, I’ve just gone back and reread what I wrote and it all sounds exhausting! There are so many people on the ladder and I haven’t learned how to turn my brain off about them! Or about myself!

Mostly, not turning my brain off has only served to make me feel inferior. And then I constantly have this sense of “I can’t do anything right” when it comes to interacting with others. And all I want is to connect with people and all I’ve managed so far is to make that impossible.

I lead with love on the surface, but below the surface I am waiting in fear for the next person to pounce me and put me in my place or tell me I’m wrong or that I’m no good.

I feel like I’m getting closer. I feel like the puzzle pieces are moving around and a clearer picture is trying to come into focus. I can feel the uncomfortable forces of change stirring around me–stirring within me. I know it’s time to dig deep and lean into it. I know I’m scared. I know it’s worth it. I know, one day, I will feel worth it.

I need to step off the ladder.

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Fireworks and hurricanes.

tec

Yesterday someone in one of my decluttering groups posted asking if anyone wanted to have an accountability partner for today for decluttering the kitchen. I said I wasn’t kitchen’ing, but would totally love that for another area.

I hadn’t decided where yet, I just knew I wanted some tangible momentum. I love all the mindset growth, and getting the previously hard “to do” things done, but I’ve been focusing on maintenance decluttering, so new progress has been lacking.

Today I decided to do some behind the scenes decluttering. These two drawers end up collecting all the things. I don’t want spaces like that.

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I committed to accountability, so off I went. Three grueling hours later I was finally finished.

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I threw some stuff away and put other things in a bag for donations. A lot of stuff is just going into a box to work on later–the paper clutter and the memory things.

I didn’t have the mental energy to go through it efficiently. Some days I’m just not going to be able to purge the way I want to. I have to remember progress over perfection.

Honestly, by the time I finished today I was too exhausted and drained of energy to enjoy the progress. I’ll get there.

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Close your eyes and think of me.

tec

Yesterday I suddenly became so freaking excited about all the things I’ve got going on–the growth mindset and decluttering (which is starting to feel really tangible again) and my very own website that I’m diligently working to launch. And fast as that realization hit, it was pulled from me.

I have no one to share it with.

That’s not entirely true. And it’s not my intention to discredit the people I have in my life, whom I love dearly, if I need something. But it’s not the same as having someone (or multiple someones) to be giddy with. It’s not the same as having someone who has known you for five years or fifteen. And despite my want for trying, I have no idea how to make up the difference.

Yesterday I navigated by leaning into the sadness and loneliness. I cried. I reached out to a new friend, someone who feels like she could be my people. I read al-anon passages. I watched Allie videos where she preached that I was worth clothes that make me feel good and uncluttered spaces and peace.

Slowly I walked through the grief.

And it sucked, while also feeling like progress. It was both. And I take comfort in the fact that it could be both and not just the suck. Still, tho. That suck is pretty sucky.

I find myself wondering often why my friends aren’t my friends anymore. Was it me? Was it them? Were we just not compatible for the long haul? I understand maybe they were just for a season, but…I miss them. I miss the me I was sometimes able to be with them. And I don’t know why they left. I wish I knew. It feels like maybe I’d better know how to keep friends if I knew why they left me. And yes, it does feel like the people I have in mind all personally chose to leave. To slowly sever the connection. It feels like if I could understand it, I could move on.

Reaching out to find out the why doesn’t feel like a good path tho, so I will continue to move along.

The notable progress about yesterday, apart from the through-not-around, was that food-as-comfort never crossed my mind. Food wasn’t on my radar at all. Pretty cool.

Today I am meeting two new friends for lunch. See what I can do about this loneliness business.

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I would not want you any other way.

tec

The psyche fascinates me so. A friend said the other day that her boss expected so much from her, so much so that she feels like he’s setting her up to fail. And then she took a step back and said, “why would someone want me to fall?” and came to see that she just kinda has the mindset. She is always subconsciously thinking people are out to get her.

I do this too. I think people are out to get me or out to sabotage me. I think people will be disappointed in me–strangers and loved ones alike–or won’t like me. It’s not conscious and it’s no longer commonplace, but it happens. I have worked very hard to navigate away from that habit. It’s interesting how it creeps back in when I don’t expect it.

I’m doing my declutter challenge and Allie was offering a hundred dollars off her huge decluttering course for the people doing the challenge. I wouldn’t spend $300 on the course, nor would I spend the reduced $200 price. I’m certain the course is worth the money. I’m certain it’s a sound investment. It’s not Allie; it’s me. It literally hurts me to think about spending that money on the course when I make do just fine with the free challenges and webinars.

But someone made a mistake and a fb ad went out for a special promotion price of $99. People were all up in arms that some had to pay $200 and some just $100. Blah blah blah the drama. I went to sleep.

This morning Allie addressed it in what seemed to be sincerely genuine horror that people would think she was being shady. I believe it to be true that it was just a mistake.

I also believe that when I realized I could have the whole course and for only $100, my first thought was “this is exactly what she wanted!”

Because above all the “people are out to get me” or to see me fail or fall or to be disappointed thoughs….the one thing I expect people are actively doing is trying to manipulate me.

“What will Jill fall for next?”

And that’s so interesting, isn’t it? Even more than doing me harm, I imagine people are just seeing how I work and what they can get me to do.

It certainly speaks some volumes about my childhood and my past relationships and my first marriage. Here is a moment where some random woman was probably having a super terrible day because she’s human and made a mistake and put the wrong promotion up….and here I am going, “this was all a ploy! She’s going to make even more money from quantity of sales than she would have from a regular sale price! And I fricking fell for it!”

I had to talk myself off the ledge. I’ve done this many times. I just re-have the conversation that my therapist (who I haven’t seen in a good few years) and I had seven years ago.

Me: He said he’d changed and I trusted him. I fell for it and he didn’t really change and I was duped!

Warrior goddess: This says something about him, not you. This says ‘he did this again’, not ‘I fell for it.'”

Me: *stomp stomp stomp*

Warrior goddess: Don’t lose your sense of trust in others. It closes you off from having experiences. Trust yourself. You are trustworthy. The important part is not “I got duped again.” The important part is “I got up again.

So. I don’t really think Allie manipulated anyone intentionally. Although, also, it’s a truly genius marketing strategy. But still. I got the course for $99 and it’s a smart and brave investment and I’m proud of me. And I’m trying to not consider that while I got a course…..I am out a hundred bucks, while she is just raaaaaaaaaaaking in the dough.

…..

*laughs out loud*

I just can’t keep myself from having the thoughts. Ha. But I can redirect them. I can listen to them and then let them be. The mind is fun. Sorta.

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Approach. Appear.

tec

I didn’t know what the rest of my day would look like earlier when I wrote. I felt on top of everything, but in that way where you are until you suddenly aren’t.

I finished my paper clutter pile from yesterday and tried to occupy L because Chris has the flu, as well as detox from another round of medicine that didn’t get here in time. I know he feels like shit physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. I take great comfort in the fact that I am not the woman who contributes to that. That I don’t try to find (false) validation in making him feel worse. That I don’t have the means to feel better at someone else’s expense. Especially someone I love so much.

So I spent my day focused on me and my growth and my worth and betterment and evolution. And I was feeling so connected to me that I found connection with R and S and L too.

I taught S about time management. I empowered him with management of his own time, while giving him confines and boundaries to work within. I told him I was like the boss. “You gotta get this, this, and this accomplished by x time, but you manage the rest. You run your own show.” And he practiced in kind. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow. But it was his and I let him own it and he took pride in it.

I taught the same to R. “Do what you want with your last day of winter break, but any food trash needs to be cleaned by 5.” She argued she might not get it done by then and I countered reasonably and objectively, “You’ve got four and a half hours to do this one thing. Choose how you want to do it. You can wait til 4:55 and then haul ass picking up trash. Or you can do it all right now. Or you can do some now and some later. It’s your show. But ya got til 5, and if at 5 it’s not finished, your phone goes on the island until it is.”

No shame. No guilt. No tough love. No bringing up past anything. Just right here right now, reasonable objectivity. Might as well have told her the sun was gonna set by 5pm. Just a fact.

And she responded with the same respectful objectivity and it was barely even reluctant when she said, “okay”.

And L and I worked on puzzles together today. And I let it be his show and we made a game of it, but I never rushed him or did it for him. I let him lead.

I gave them the opportunity and then I stepped aside and let each of them shine today.

What a blessing and a joy to take me and my feelings and my thoughts out of the equation and just talk to them.

I was afraid I’d break today. I was hoping I’d be able to withstand the bend. Turns out I stood tall all day.

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Breathe me back to life.

tec

Today, day three, was the start of four days of kitchen.

I overachieved.

I was just going to do the dishes and cups, but each cabinet called to me and soon I had done an hour and a half of purging.

It felt soooooo good.

Allie said (quoting Nate Berkus),”be a ruthless editor” of your home. And so I took down the plates we never use and the extra glass bowls Chris hasn’t used and the extra cups, and said nope to all of it.

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And then I moved onto the island cabinets and the pots and pans cabinet (’cause that one’s pretty easy) and then the side cabinet by the fridge said, “ooh, pick me! pick me!” and so I did. I also transferred Hazel’s dry food to an old cereal container and now it looks nice and put together.

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The before pic I took of the pots and pans disappeared, so there’s only an after. But it features a photobombing Hazel, and she always makes for goodness. (Except she peed in my pantry today. So blargh a bit to that. But now I have a deep cleaned pantry, so a little less blarghidy.)

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Isn’t the dry food container a nice touch?!

The island homed all the “excess” for a couple hours while I had lunch with a new friend. (Dude. I had lunch with a friend. I have a friend. You know… potentially.)

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After I got home and made lunch (okay, so I met a friend for lunch, but we went to Subway and I don’t eaten gluten or dairy, so I went for the company, while she went for the company and the work lunch break) (which, while I’m derailing here, I want to add that I didn’t eat til after 3pm today and wasn’t hungry any of that time and drank more water today and generally just felt more connected to me instead of dependent on a connection with food. So that was really pretty cool. And…calming.) (This is also where I remember that my day started at 5:30 this morning and that is damn impressive now that I’ve remembered and stopped to think about it.)

Where was I? So many parentheses.

I got home and made lunch and then I picked up two weeks’ worth of recycling from the garage floor, so I could access the cabinets for all the kitchen excess. I moved all the island clutter to its new home through winter and now I have an amazing, chaos-less (for the most part) kitchen.

I have no idea what Allie will say to go through tomorrow. I’ll follow that if it pertains, and if it doesn’t, I’m going to organize and purge the other two upper cabinets and the third island cabinet that has somehow become the backup pantry. The overflowing open pantry drives me bonkers, but so does running out of noodles. So now I have bulk elsewhere. Always pick the lesser of the evils.

Okay, sleep for me now, after some much needed husband time.