I keep making the not constructive choice. I mean, I realize it serves a purpose, the destructive choices–the eating choices, but they’re not constructive. They feed something in me. No pun intended. I’m just not certain they are fueling anything for my greater good.
So I came here to say that I want the muffin. And sure, I don’t want anything more now. But if I eat the muffin, I’ll want the pretzels. Or the cookies. And then after eating crap, I’ll decide I should eat something nutritious. All the while never actually wanting for food.
And I can pretend to justify “just this once”, but it is never once. Eating disorders do not work that way. And I could try to justify “if I don’t do it now, then it’ll provide momentum to saying no later”. But really, that’s bullshit too today because by the time later happens I’m going to be all out of energy to make constructive decisions.
Therefore, what I’m going to do today, and just for today because it’s 9am and already I’m almost out of decision juice (and that’s not so promising) is decide that there’s no need for decisions later. Today I’m making the decision now to just abstain. There won’t be decisions later. I made the decision now.
That also means I need to fill my basket with other things because I’m taking the food tool out. So today can be about cleaning and doing a couple things from my checklist and rest. And probably lots of writing and accountability.