No more hiding. I can’t afford it. It costs too much.
Tag: decision making juice
Some kind of light at the end.
I’m not going to eat tonight. I’m so tired from making decisions I shouldn’t have been making. I’m so exhausted I could cry.
I’m so exhausted I didn’t realize I was already crying.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to catch up from the last week. I don’t think I’ll ever try. I think I will just blank slate it. And I will just sleep instead. And maybe sometime tonight my skin will pass by Chris’s skin and he won’t shudder. Because finally finally he has found his way back to me.
Don’t complicate it.
I love this blog. I often think of it ridiculously fondly and I’m just so glad it exists.
I also love my daughter’s boyfriend. He feels like a genuinely nice boy. More on that when I’m better slept.
It’s 11pm now. I’m out of decision juice. I’ve been out of it for a good long time. In fact, I’m pretty sure I started the day out of it. I didn’t sleep enough and that skewed my everything. Chris stopped taking an addictive (and no longer necessary) medication on Friday. His morning dose was the last one and this three year battle is finally coming to an end. It’s going to change so many things for the better and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
The side effects are terrible tho and will continue to be for a little while. Far less terrible than the damage of being on the drug. I’m so happy for him and relieved and…cautious. Especially because of his seizure disorder. So we’ve taken it one minute at a time this weekend. It also meant I was up til 3am this morning, and the dog woke me to play at 7:30. And now it’s 11 and I’m still up.
All that is to say that I didn’t have the energy to stop making decisions today. (Counterintuitive much?) Decisions that go against my greatest good. I kept consciously making decisions that went against what my brain was telling me to do. There were good moments too. Practicing moments. Where I didn’t decide and just let all the things be. I reminded myself I had nothing to decide. And for that I’m extremely proud of myself. Tomorrow is another day. And I feel good about it. But first, so much sleep.
I don’t want to wait.
I had this moment today where I realized I had had three constructively successful days in a row. And I wanted to take a picture of the meal I was making, but then I got self-conscious about my vegetables and chicken and rice and then I spiraled a little.
Later I made the decision to eat ice cream. And it’s totally cool that I changed my mind and decided something. I’m all for the lessons. But it felt a little too sabotaging and unnecessary.
Afterwards I was doing the dishes and thought “You made the decision. You weren’t supposed to make decisions. The whole point is to not make decisions. You made the decision this morning and your only responsibility was to follow through.”
So….no rough feelings about the decision. And also, decision making right now is more to my detriment than to my well being. It feels good to connect those dots.