Tag: random thoughts

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

I can live and breathe and see the sun.

tec

Alright. As my week wraps up and I review the hellish “through not around” that I waded in with my daughter this week, I want to take the opportunity to note some tangible tools I have learned.

Embrace the steps.

Step one. It’s not about me. It’s unmanageable. It’s not mine. Step two. Someone else has got this. Step three. Take a step back and let it be that someone else’s. Step six. Practice the pause.

I realize I’m skipping four and five here.  It’s not to minimize them. Those ones have deeper digging. They do not pertain quite yet within my immediate, tangible action.

Create the tiniest gap.

My goal–that I haven’t taken much time to write about–is that I want the voices in my head to quiet. That quiet is the peace I am aspiring to. That quiet is a return to my best and highest self.

When the thought loops run rampant, as they are wont to do unchecked, I spiral out. I want so much more than that for myself. I am so much more than that.

I have options. I can tell the voice to fuck off. I can turn my attention to constructive actions. I can write down the thought loops and walk away from them. I can mantra in my head “words and opportunity”. I can ask to have it taken away. I can journal longform about it. I can ask myself “Am I acting from a place of love or s place of fear?”

Whichever I choose, the act of pausing and deciding creates a gap for the universe to come in and support me.

Move.

This is just a good go to on any day. Gets me simultaneously in my head and out of my head. It grounds me to the earth and the universe. It provides the connection back to self.

Reality is kinetic.

Perspective dictates that not only can people have entirely different experiences to the same situation, but those experiences can morph and muddle with time. Reality can shift and transmogrify, and none of it is real and all of it is real. Whatever we remember and however we filter it creates a picture through our lens and it becomes our truth.

This isn’t good nor bad. It’s life. This is something I’ve always been aware of, but I had many attachment thoughts about it. It is now clear to me it is something I need to accept. I don’t have a “how” for that right yet. But all the other tangible things I’ve come to acquire this week tell me that I can ask for the how and then I can wait and it’ll be given to me when I need it.

So….I’m learning to do the work and also just stop. Both and neither. Click click and click.

~~~~~~~

I want to add. My process normally is that I write and then I share and talk about it with Chris. I’ve found in the past that when I talk it over first, I never write about it, and I don’t like losing that part.

I’ve been trying to write this particular post all week and none of it came. It was too wordy and circumvented all the tangibility.

I was finally able to, yesterday, share with Chris the events that unfolded over the week. His week began with a seizure and recovery, and mine was full of navigating Tuesday with R and the week with the boys.

After connecting with Chris last night to share the story of my week, and after he listened so attentively and responded so compassionately, it allowed this post to flow easily. We were us, with all the extra personal growth we’ve worked for. It is goodness.

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

All the right ways.

tec

Monday morning this thing happened.

I thought about how the previous week the scale read 150.0 pounds even. The exact number. A tenth of a pound less and I would have been able to officially ring some imaginary bell of excellence or success or I don’t even know what.

But the universe needed me to wait. And I get that. I’m down for whatever lessons I need to learn. And so I waited. No sweat.

Then Monday arrived and I limit scale curiosity to once a week because ocd. I woke up and did my regular routine of appreciating my body and feeling my skin and my ribs and my hips. I felt good in my skin. Content.

When I got on the scale, it was almost alarming.

20200622_082708

Holy numbers, Batman.

It makes me smile to think of all those years, trying so damn hard to not focus on the number, and the number never budging. Now that I’m keenly focusing on all sorts of other places–really honing in on purpose–the scale freaking jumps. The universe is fun.

This could have been a thing that tripped me up, as it did many times in the past. Such a “win” used to feel terrifying and I had been the girl to sabotage wins. You wanna know what I did this time? How I proceeded after stepping off the scale?

I did the same. damn. thing. I do every day. I follow routine and I stay actively engaged in my health and my family and my well being. I continued to purge my garage and build healthy relationships (Beth came over), and lead with faith and love instead of fear and doubt.

And none of it is fucking easy. It’s work. And some days it feels less work, but still it’s work. Above all else tho, it keeps me safe and happy and gives me the freedom to bring my best self to this world. And for right now, that’s the goal.

Uncategorized

Breathe your story.

tec

I just had the strangest and nicest conversation. And in an alternate universe, I’d have the most interesting friend and we’d be so freaking close (at least for a time) and it would be lovely.

In this universe, the ground doesn’t stand solid for me.

I’m too much me and she’s too uncertain.

But for five minutes, that was really nice.

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

Way too up to back down.

tec

I RAN FOR TWO MINUTES!!!!!!

Holy moly!

I freaking basked in it.

I then made the slight mistake of looking up how long in distance that two minutes was. A bit shy of .2 miles.

I don’t know why suddenly that felt like a blow. Like I was farther from my goal. Like five more of those is undoable or something. But I suppose upon further recalculation and introspection, .2 miles in two minutes would be a mile in 10-12 minutes, if it was consistent. That ain’t bad! I’ll drive the distance tomorrow and see what it actually is. But, in any case. For now, I ran for two minutes!!!

Uncategorized

Dream a little dream of me.

tec

I stayed up all night accidentally and now, suddenly, the sky is light and the birds are chirping away and it’s 4:57. My numbers.

I never got tired. Even now I’m not so tired. What a weird night. And a weird morning.

It feels like it was supposed to happen. This May turned June. This hallowed space and time.

I’ve been hiding for the past month. My vortex May turned into Chris’s vortex May. And I just spun.

I simultaneously floated and dragged my way through the month. Feet never properly touching the ground. I tried. Sometimes. And I succumbed others. Mostly I used those fine-tuned self-preservation skills to compartmentalize the month. Two months. Three.

I was kicking ass and taking names. At the start. And then some weight got heavy and I got tired. And then I chugged along. And then more weight. Until moving was the only thing I had. So I just kept doing that.

Kinetic Jill.

And it wasn’t all self-preservation. Those parts don’t make the mindful parts any less significant or successful. I’ll take it all. It just means a whole bunch of different terrain to navigate.

For now, I’m going to sleep for a few hours. And take the terrain again come (late) morning. It feels light again.

Uncategorized

The resolute urgency of now.

tec

I am a woman who eats her first meal and then focuses her energy on other endeavors.

I am a woman who is fulfilled by productive action.

I am a woman who acknowledges that some moments are hard but also manageable.

I am a woman who finds the silver lining in every moment.

I am a woman who looks for joy in every second of life without exception.

I am a woman who knows that goodness comes around.

I am a woman who falls and gets back up.

I am a woman who revels in every opportunity for personal growth.

I am a woman who sometimes stomps her feet but always does the hard thing anyway.

I am a woman who shows up for herself and others.

I am a woman who calls random experiences adventures.

I am a woman who is overcome with elation that she exists.

Uncategorized

I don’t know where they come from.

tec

I hate that it’s been so many days since I’ve written. Ya know, last week it didn’t even occur to me to write. The whole week just blinked by. I don’t even know where it went.

So much time was spent doing my normal routines and helping S with school work and–oh my god–L had a week long meltdown of meltiness.  And Chris worked all week. And R and I logged her four driving hours.

Suddenly it was Saturday morning and I realized I hadn’t written here, nor had I called my sponsor or done any step work. It was just school and badminton and icing my knee and driving shotgun and staying up too late watching Grey’s with R. Chris and I didn’t even manage time together til Wednesday. It was the strangest week.

There was one significant marker tho that struck Thursday. I took Mouse to the vet because he suddenly developed a huge lump on his neck. The doctor biopsied it and it’s cancer.

So, that sucks. My sweet Mouse. The lifespan of a rat is usually just a couple years. I’m blindsided a bit since he’s just 24 months old.

I brought him back home with antibiotics and a steroid. And we’ll spoil him til he seems uncomfortable or stops eating. Then I’ll take him back to the vet and let him go peacefully.

This week I commit to writing about where my head has been lately and what thought paths I’ve been treading recently. Stay tuned for clumsy greatness!

Uncategorized

Like an ocean that you can’t see.

tec

Funny thing about someone pulling their floor out from under me. My floor is still pretty damn sturdy, so I’m just standing here going “huh…well, okay.”

And now I just kinda got nothing. It could be deft compartmentalization. But really it just feels like…I dunno. Not that.

I re-prioritized my day a bit. I was gonna speed read through an online library book I’ve been wanting to read that’s due back in two days, but I had been on the fence anyway because I had other goal stuff I wanted to get done. So I breathed and centered and returned it early for the people on the waiting list. And I texted my sponsor, I guess just so I could acknowledge that something did happen even if currently I’m okay.

Now I’m gonna get back to my day. Because time ticks on and all the stuff has to get done whether people make un-ideal choices or not.

Uncategorized

I knew every back road and every truck stop.

tec

My sponsor assignment for the week is to take five minutes each day to be still. She wants me to have the opportunity to find contact with my high power.

It’s a good plan.

Last week, which I don’t think I mentioned, she wanted me to define unmanageable. As a follow up I’m supposed to think about the things I can’t control that lead life to feeling unmanageable. Because unmanageable and control are linked.

She’s a really good sponsor.

Truth be told? I knew I wanted her my very first meeting. (Maybe second.) She said something that sparked for me and I knew she’d be it for me.

The hard al-anon thing for me is that I have a hard time feeling like I belong there. My story often doesn’t touch or significantly overlap others’ stories. My story sometimes doesn’t feel “enough”. But we are all cut from the same cloth. I still find things there I need, and as they tell me, I apparently provide things they need. It’s never been a question of not continuing to go. I go and that means I grow. Nothing wrong with that.

My sponsor talks about how this sponsor/sponsee relationship is sacred and unconditional. I can share anything, as a safe space. And she will always show up. And part of me just kinda wants to cry. ‘Cause isn’t that, like, every damn thing I’ve ever wanted? But then another part of me is like, “why on earth would you do this without me paying you?”

She talked randomly on Saturday about something called “a god-sized hole”. How people hope that their partner can fill this hole they have, but no one ever can. ‘Cause it’s a god-sized hole. It made a lot of fireworks go off in my head and I have things to say about it. But not tonight. Because I need sleep.

Good night, ever shifting plates buried deep beneath my feet.