Tag: triggers

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

All the right ways.

tec

Monday morning this thing happened.

I thought about how the previous week the scale read 150.0 pounds even. The exact number. A tenth of a pound less and I would have been able to officially ring some imaginary bell of excellence or success or I don’t even know what.

But the universe needed me to wait. And I get that. I’m down for whatever lessons I need to learn. And so I waited. No sweat.

Then Monday arrived and I limit scale curiosity to once a week because ocd. I woke up and did my regular routine of appreciating my body and feeling my skin and my ribs and my hips. I felt good in my skin. Content.

When I got on the scale, it was almost alarming.

20200622_082708

Holy numbers, Batman.

It makes me smile to think of all those years, trying so damn hard to not focus on the number, and the number never budging. Now that I’m keenly focusing on all sorts of other places–really honing in on purpose–the scale freaking jumps. The universe is fun.

This could have been a thing that tripped me up, as it did many times in the past. Such a “win” used to feel terrifying and I had been the girl to sabotage wins. You wanna know what I did this time? How I proceeded after stepping off the scale?

I did the same. damn. thing. I do every day. I follow routine and I stay actively engaged in my health and my family and my well being. I continued to purge my garage and build healthy relationships (Beth came over), and lead with faith and love instead of fear and doubt.

And none of it is fucking easy. It’s work. And some days it feels less work, but still it’s work. Above all else tho, it keeps me safe and happy and gives me the freedom to bring my best self to this world. And for right now, that’s the goal.

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I’m right there.

tec

I’m not really sure what’s up with me today.

It was a good day by all accounts. And yet, tonight I found myself eating. Hell, this afternoon I found myself eating. I checked in with myself. Nothing really felt off. But here I was, eating.

I snacked when I don’t normally snack. I ate more, even if not a lot, after I snacked. I noticed I was doing it and was, like, curiously detached?

I checked in with myself even!

And still, I don’t know what it was about.

If I’m being honest here, I want to say that I didn’t check in fully. But I checked in. It’s a start–in this strange land of practice.

It really wasn’t about quantity today. It was this odd, nuanced quality. I don’t know what the thing was that triggered the response, but today I just…I wanted to give in a little bit.

I wanted the comfort of the familiar.

Unfortunately, it’s a short-lived comfort and what little it worked a month ago, it works even less now.

I ate some after 7. I ate some after 8 even. I could have eaten all night. It would never have provided anything.

In hindsight that is sad, but at the time, the “sadness” or “mourning” of that loss were not feelings that registered for me. What I thought about was “what feelings triggered this?” I didn’t come up with anything. But I asked the question. Which means I’m learning. And eventually, even without an answer, I stepped away and went for a walk instead.

Then tonight I was going to go to sleep. And then I decided to pick up the kitchen a bit. And I committed to writing this post, but then I found myself getting ready to wash the dishes and I thought, “damn, girl, whatcha avoiding?”

And I don’t know. But I traded the sponge for the keyboard and showed up for myself.

I got it all down even if I still don’t really know what the “what” was.

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Strong as the oceans and I couldn’t explain why.

tec

Every now and again I wish I didn’t have the memory I do. I wish I wasn’t so adept with numbers and dates. Wish old pictures weren’t so clear.

Today marks ten years since that ridiculous night. Ten years since a day I remember nothing about preceded a night that is still too sharp in my mind.

He pulled a knife on me.

And the whole thing still seems like a nightmare that couldn’t possibly have happened.

That fucking misguided, broken boy. I’d feel sorry for him had the whole thing not broken me so hard. Had he not reopened the wound so many times after for so many years.

I navigate that moment and the many moments after pretty well the rest of the year. But May always hurts a bit. Today always hurts a bit.

I know hope bloomed within all that darkness. I know growth eventually thrived. I know I turned terribly poisonous lemons into the most amazing lemonade I ever tasted. But even still. I mourn.

I don’t mourn the life I once had. Nor do I mourn the future I once pictured. I mourn the addition of yet another person’s betrayal. I mourn another part of me being bound and scarred. I grieve all of that manipulation. My heart hurts to think of all the security that was ripped out from under me.

I have created so much goodness out of the hell that night caused. But I wish I hadn’t needed to.

Tonight, I knew I needed to get out of the house and just walk. S came with me. It drizzled some of the walk. Rained some. We walked some. Ran some. It was cathartic as fuck.

10 years.

Still, one foot in front of the other.

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Looking for my door key.

tec

It suddenly just got really hard.

Yesterday and today and the upcoming week and May have been on my radar, but I’ve been okay. I’ve navigated, knowing these are usually hard days for me, but it hasn’t been hard.

It might not be hard in five minutes.

But right now it is. For a long time I hated May. I hated Mother’s Day and all the things he tainted and ruined.

I saw him today and I tried to not be triggered, but…here I am. Navigating extra hard.

I’m so much more than the hell he put me through.

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Somewhere in between the beginning and the end.

tec

I was kind of fooling myself with the optimism when it came to my knees injury.

I knew it the other day when I typed that I was just as committed to my dream. Because I knew that I wasn’t. I knew this had tripped me up.

I don’t know what I could have done differently to feel more committed. I was icing and resting and keeping my leg elevated. On the surface, that all feels very proactive. Digging deeper though, honestly, it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Perhaps that’s a mindset thing I need to look at. The things I was doing felt proactive enough, but somewhere else in my mind, I had already dropped the immediate possibility of training.

That hurts to think about. That no weather or family obstacle could shake me, but I hurt myself and suddenly all was lost.

Today I woke up with no pain and that was amazing. It hasn’t been a pain-free day, but it’s been better enough to give me hope. And to provide the opportunity to recognize old mindset thoughts. Thoughts that I then followed up with sabotaging behaviors.

Tomorrow my Merrells come and wearing them should go a long way in helping me heal. I’ll pay more attention to my triggers so that my response to them doesn’t have to be my same ol’ same ol’. I’m more than that.

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The outside turning in.

tec

I haven’t written in a long time. Again. I don’t even want to be writing right now.

I have been actively participating in life. I have been staying on top of responsibilities. Actions that, in the past, have paralyzed me. Phones call to find three different new doctors/specialists for my kids. More phones to set up appointments and preregistrations. More phone calls when something comes up and the doctor needs to reschedule. Filling out paperwork. Going to new appointments. Navigating my daughter’s desire to have nothing to do with me. Navigating my son’s desire to have no confidence in himself whatsoever. (Okay, he probably doesn’t *desire* this…but also…kinda?… He’s a conundrum.) Also add in school supply shopping and orientations. And R’s eye exams and new glasses.

I’ve wanted to tell actual stories about all these things, but after accomplishing all these really hard for me things, I’m just too exhausted to sit and write about them.

And now that I’ve typed all this out I have to navigate the sadness that I haven’t found room to do both act and process. I will need to be gentle with myself as I find a way to balance back out before I burn myself out.

In the meantime, I’m going to sit here with L for the first quiet morning I’ve had in weeks.