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For all the roads you followed.

There’s a thing I do with food. To not make things about food.

I decide.

It’s not always easy. But it’s simple.

And the more times I do it, the more often it is just easy.

In November I decided to intermittent fast and have my window be 9am til 7pm. Soon I decided to changed it to noon til 7. That felt okay until no behavior changed beyond the decision.

Enter more decisions.

The last couple weeks I’ve really driven into not only who I want to be, but who I am. Not only entertaining what my future ideal self would say, but also what I want to say right here, right now.

I don’t want it to be so grueling. I don’t want it to have to be so hard.

So I decide.

And then I execute the decision.

An eating window always benefitted me because once I had food, a switch turned on in my head and I couldn’t “off” food. I didn’t off food. But the eating window just shortens the issue. It doesn’t address it.

After weeks of thinking “what would the future, ideal Jill do?” and sometimes answering honestly, and sometimes fooling myself, I finally realized it was all just a stopgap.

It’s all important and I’ve needed it all as part of my journey. But I need something that feels more sturdy. I need something that makes all the chatter dissipate. I need the quiet.

Deciding helps bring me more quiet.

So I eat my meal and then I make the conscious decision “Don’t eat anything else for an hour.” And then I execute it.

I focus my energy and action elsewhere. I write or clean or play or move my body. I do the thing that quiets my mind.

And eventually I eat again. And then I decide. And then I execute it.

There’s no stomping or loss or grief. It feels like healing.

It’s not easy. But it’s easier than it was last week. And it’ll be easier still. I’m not ignoring myself or my feelings. I’m not distracting myself or skipping out. I’m just choosing to thrive in growth instead of drown in food.

It’s a perfectly imperfect system. I’m no robot. This is about being human here. I get tripped up and I go again. Getting back up is just as vital as decide and execute. Getting back up is decide and execute.

I know that in time, as consistency lends to routine, and routine turns to habit, it will be the foundation that changes the behavior, which is the whole point. It will be the answer to the question “what would future, ideal Jill say?” that I’ll no longer have to stop and ask myself. Because I’ll just know. Because I’ll just be.

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Strong as the oceans and I couldn’t explain why.

Every now and again I wish I didn’t have the memory I do. I wish I wasn’t so adept with numbers and dates. Wish old pictures weren’t so clear.

Today marks ten years since that ridiculous night. Ten years since a day I remember nothing about preceded a night that is still too sharp in my mind.

He pulled a knife on me.

And the whole thing still seems like a nightmare that couldn’t possibly have happened.

That fucking misguided, broken boy. I’d feel sorry for him had the whole thing not broken me so hard. Had he not reopened the wound so many times after for so many years.

I navigate that moment and the many moments after pretty well the rest of the year. But May always hurts a bit. Today always hurts a bit.

I know hope bloomed within all that darkness. I know growth eventually thrived. I know I turned terribly poisonous lemons into the most amazing lemonade I ever tasted. But even still. I mourn.

I don’t mourn the life I once had. Nor do I mourn the future I once pictured. I mourn the addition of yet another person’s betrayal. I mourn another part of me being bound and scarred. I grieve all of that manipulation. My heart hurts to think of all the security that was ripped out from under me.

I have created so much goodness out of the hell that night caused. But I wish I hadn’t needed to.

Tonight, I knew I needed to get out of the house and just walk. S came with me. It drizzled some of the walk. Rained some. We walked some. Ran some. It was cathartic as fuck.

10 years.

Still, one foot in front of the other.

adventures in quarantine, Adventures in running, Uncategorized

Keep my composure when it’s time.

I jacked up my knee(s) a bit. I’m thinking it’s patellar tendinitis. Seems the most likely culprit.

The universe was like “hold up, li’l girl” and then instead of stomping about it–because that would have really hurt–I said “okay” and I complied without complaint.

I am no less committed to my dream, though I certainly feel the affects of this injury on my heart.

Yes, it sucks and I’m trying to honor those feelings in myself. I don’t want to dismiss or compartmentalize them. It does suck and I recognize that. But also, I have the tools and support to navigate it.

I will keep chugging along.

From the start I have viewed this time as both training and running. Training wants to be the focus. I’ll ice and rest for now and then I’ll start strength training, increase walking, and focus on endurance in other ways. This isn’t a hard stop. It’s just a speed bump.

I still choose joy. I am still a runner.

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I would not want you any other way.

The psyche fascinates me so. A friend said the other day that her boss expected so much from her, so much so that she feels like he’s setting her up to fail. And then she took a step back and said, “why would someone want me to fall?” and came to see that she just kinda has the mindset. She is always subconsciously thinking people are out to get her.

I do this too. I think people are out to get me or out to sabotage me. I think people will be disappointed in me–strangers and loved ones alike–or won’t like me. It’s not conscious and it’s no longer commonplace, but it happens. I have worked very hard to navigate away from that habit. It’s interesting how it creeps back in when I don’t expect it.

I’m doing my declutter challenge and Allie was offering a hundred dollars off her huge decluttering course for the people doing the challenge. I wouldn’t spend $300 on the course, nor would I spend the reduced $200 price. I’m certain the course is worth the money. I’m certain it’s a sound investment. It’s not Allie; it’s me. It literally hurts me to think about spending that money on the course when I make do just fine with the free challenges and webinars.

But someone made a mistake and a fb ad went out for a special promotion price of $99. People were all up in arms that some had to pay $200 and some just $100. Blah blah blah the drama. I went to sleep.

This morning Allie addressed it in what seemed to be sincerely genuine horror that people would think she was being shady. I believe it to be true that it was just a mistake.

I also believe that when I realized I could have the whole course and for only $100, my first thought was “this is exactly what she wanted!”

Because above all the “people are out to get me” or to see me fail or fall or to be disappointed thoughs….the one thing I expect people are actively doing is trying to manipulate me.

“What will Jill fall for next?”

And that’s so interesting, isn’t it? Even more than doing me harm, I imagine people are just seeing how I work and what they can get me to do.

It certainly speaks some volumes about my childhood and my past relationships and my first marriage. Here is a moment where some random woman was probably having a super terrible day because she’s human and made a mistake and put the wrong promotion up….and here I am going, “this was all a ploy! She’s going to make even more money from quantity of sales than she would have from a regular sale price! And I fricking fell for it!”

I had to talk myself off the ledge. I’ve done this many times. I just re-have the conversation that my therapist (who I haven’t seen in a good few years) and I had seven years ago.

Me: He said he’d changed and I trusted him. I fell for it and he didn’t really change and I was duped!

Warrior goddess: This says something about him, not you. This says ‘he did this again’, not ‘I fell for it.'”

Me: *stomp stomp stomp*

Warrior goddess: Don’t lose your sense of trust in others. It closes you off from having experiences. Trust yourself. You are trustworthy. The important part is not “I got duped again.” The important part is “I got up again.

So. I don’t really think Allie manipulated anyone intentionally. Although, also, it’s a truly genius marketing strategy. But still. I got the course for $99 and it’s a smart and brave investment and I’m proud of me. And I’m trying to not consider that while I got a course…..I am out a hundred bucks, while she is just raaaaaaaaaaaking in the dough.

…..

*laughs out loud*

I just can’t keep myself from having the thoughts. Ha. But I can redirect them. I can listen to them and then let them be. The mind is fun. Sorta.

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The minor fall and the major lift.

What a difference a year (or six) can make.

The last two weeks have been one crazy thing after another. My insurance is no longer accepting my doctor and physical therapist, so I either have to change insurance or change doctors. The $673 radiologist bill I should have never gotten, that I had fixed and was taken care of in November, suddenly appeared again and hadn’t been resolved afterall. I spent an hour and a half on phone calls getting it resolved again. (Shout out to Tamika who was my own personal savior.)

I’ve been trying to get ahold of a doggie day care place so Harley can run around and play with other pups because ohmygoodness is she in anxiety overdrive/bordering aggressive because she just wants to play play play and has no outlet. (I finally heard back today! Woo!) I ran with her on Sunday (ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod!! I ran! Two laps around the house!!! Freakin’ AMAZING!!!) and then promptly fell on my right knee and palm (and elbow and shoulder). Bright side: I hurt myself, but didn’t injure anything. Less than bright side holy oww and recovery time. (Bonus bright side: I tried Chris’s ghost pepper sauce and I’m a fucking rockstar!)

At 1am today instead of seeing Chris’s paycheck in the account, there was a $900+ fraudulent charge, just in time for me to pay the $150 medical bills today. Kitten’s first vet visit…wait….she has worms?… Oh, our dog’s been eating her poop when we’re not looking?…oh….well…that’s..special…

Have I even mentioned yet we adopted a kitten?! Meet Hazel. R’s early Christmas present/our new family member.

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And I paid the $4.60 on my daughter’s dentist account….that they were going to send me to collections for. Ha. And I was allowed to pay on (instead of pay off) another bill. Thank god. Bright side to all of it: the deposited paycheck offset the $700 overdraft and we’re blessed to have family who can help out until the bank refunds the locked charges.

R has midterms next week and is underslept and overstressed and navigating big adult problems while still being in a teenager’s body with a teenager’s brain. (Given the option to ignore the warning signs of a close friend or make the hard call to betray confidence in order to keep him alive,  she chose life and I couldn’t be more proud.) And S is navigating the end of the semester and a week of unprecedented homework he just hasn’t been able to keep up with, especially when his parents have been a bit m.i.a. in the evenings when it’s time to work on homework because of appointments and meetings. (Given the option this morning of staying home today to work on everything or go to school and own up to the consequences, he chose to go and I’m so freaking proud of him.) And L is still recovering from being sick last week and a bleeding diaper rash to boot because he’s been eating butternut squash soup for days and apparently he’s allergic. (This morning he slept in his own bed til after 5am. Whether fluke or trend, I’m so proud of him.)

Have I worn you out yet? ‘Cause I haven’t run out of material. I could keep going. I won’t tho. Because the only point I wanted to make is that I’m still standing. I didn’t even have to stand back up from this shit show because it hasn’t even knocked me down.

What a difference a year makes.