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Out on your corner in the pouring rain.

Welcome to the third edition of The Basement Chronicles.

I haven’t worked on the basement in a few days, but I want to catch up on all my progress down there.

Also, as a sidenote. All of this work was accomplished while listening to Rise Together. What an inspiring and entertaining podcast.

Progress #4. (2.16)

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I cleaned off the play table and the dresser. I organized the 3×3 of toys, but currently it’s mostly papers/school supplies. I added a bookcase and unpacked a box of kid books.

Progress #5. (2.18)

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I don’t have a before shot of this. It had previously been boxes and boxes of dvds and random stuff and I don’t even remember what. But I cleared out the whole space and it was empty and amazing. I don’t have a shot of that either. Then I moved the clothes totes here from the front room and went through a couple boxes from the front. It seemed like a good place to temporarily store the luggage too.

Progress #6. (2.19)

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Holy smokes!

And an updated view of the front room.

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Chris was inspired by my work downstairs and he wanted to declutter and beautify his work area downstairs too! I don’t have a picture of that, but some of this trash is his and I’m so fucking proud of him.

This week I am committed to making space to work through some of my 12 week Kendra program stuff. Also, my sponsor gave me new homework and I’m going to devote time to that too.  I’ll write about both of these soon.

Off to sleep now!

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We must let go to know what’s right.

The Basement Chronicles.

So, we left off at progress on February 6th. Some time ticked on by after this. A woman name Angel posted in a group that she needed accountability for a three day decluttering party and I love that shit, so I was giddy to volunteer. Luckily she was down for texting and I could bypass fb messenger. Decluttering while I knew she was decluttering was really motivated and I got a lot accomplished.

Progress #2. (2.12)

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The following day Angel and I texted back and forth and I was telling her I want an empty basement. Not entirely empty. I want the storage shelves to contain storage. And then I want the rest empty, apart from a play area/book nook. She asked me about intent and why I wanted my basement empty. I gave her the spiel about growing up in chaos and hoarder family members and she wisely pointed out that the “nots” of wanting something wasn’t the way to bring about intent. So I came up with:

I want to walk downstairs and have an open space that feels peaceful and relaxing. I want a space that allows me to breathe life into it. Instead of a space that breathes chaos into me.

And then I did progress #3. (2.13)

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My current process is that I’m decluttering the basement in waves. This will not be my only pass through. I’m working my way around to get to everything on the surface. Separate trash from donation from “go through”. Then complete the trash runs and donation drop offs. Then I will start tackling the deeper things.

More progress to come soon!

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Swan dive.

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I keep fiddling with tectonicdraft related things, but have yet to launch my actual site. I will get there. There is no question. But also, ohmygosh, just freakin’ do it already, would ya?!

I’m currently doing some behind the scenes related things in my life. I’m working on decluttering my basement and my head. I signed up for Kendra Hennessy’s 12 week Your Best Mom Life course. I’m setting goals and connecting. I’m doing the work I’ve always been afraid of, but I’m not afraid.

I feel like I’m on the precipice toward myself.

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Fireworks and hurricanes.

Yesterday someone in one of my decluttering groups posted asking if anyone wanted to have an accountability partner for today for decluttering the kitchen. I said I wasn’t kitchen’ing, but would totally love that for another area.

I hadn’t decided where yet, I just knew I wanted some tangible momentum. I love all the mindset growth, and getting the previously hard “to do” things done, but I’ve been focusing on maintenance decluttering, so new progress has been lacking.

Today I decided to do some behind the scenes decluttering. These two drawers end up collecting all the things. I don’t want spaces like that.

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I committed to accountability, so off I went. Three grueling hours later I was finally finished.

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I threw some stuff away and put other things in a bag for donations. A lot of stuff is just going into a box to work on later–the paper clutter and the memory things.

I didn’t have the mental energy to go through it efficiently. Some days I’m just not going to be able to purge the way I want to. I have to remember progress over perfection.

Honestly, by the time I finished today I was too exhausted and drained of energy to enjoy the progress. I’ll get there.

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Close your eyes and think of me.

Yesterday I suddenly became so freaking excited about all the things I’ve got going on–the growth mindset and decluttering (which is starting to feel really tangible again) and my very own website that I’m diligently working to launch. And fast as that realization hit, it was pulled from me.

I have no one to share it with.

That’s not entirely true. And it’s not my intention to discredit the people I have in my life, whom I love dearly, if I need something. But it’s not the same as having someone (or multiple someones) to be giddy with. It’s not the same as having someone who has known you for five years or fifteen. And despite my want for trying, I have no idea how to make up the difference.

Yesterday I navigated by leaning into the sadness and loneliness. I cried. I reached out to a new friend, someone who feels like she could be my people. I read al-anon passages. I watched Allie videos where she preached that I was worth clothes that make me feel good and uncluttered spaces and peace.

Slowly I walked through the grief.

And it sucked, while also feeling like progress. It was both. And I take comfort in the fact that it could be both and not just the suck. Still, tho. That suck is pretty sucky.

I find myself wondering often why my friends aren’t my friends anymore. Was it me? Was it them? Were we just not compatible for the long haul? I understand maybe they were just for a season, but…I miss them. I miss the me I was sometimes able to be with them. And I don’t know why they left. I wish I knew. It feels like maybe I’d better know how to keep friends if I knew why they left me. And yes, it does feel like the people I have in mind all personally chose to leave. To slowly sever the connection. It feels like if I could understand it, I could move on.

Reaching out to find out the why doesn’t feel like a good path tho, so I will continue to move along.

The notable progress about yesterday, apart from the through-not-around, was that food-as-comfort never crossed my mind. Food wasn’t on my radar at all. Pretty cool.

Today I am meeting two new friends for lunch. See what I can do about this loneliness business.

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I would not want you any other way.

The psyche fascinates me so. A friend said the other day that her boss expected so much from her, so much so that she feels like he’s setting her up to fail. And then she took a step back and said, “why would someone want me to fall?” and came to see that she just kinda has the mindset. She is always subconsciously thinking people are out to get her.

I do this too. I think people are out to get me or out to sabotage me. I think people will be disappointed in me–strangers and loved ones alike–or won’t like me. It’s not conscious and it’s no longer commonplace, but it happens. I have worked very hard to navigate away from that habit. It’s interesting how it creeps back in when I don’t expect it.

I’m doing my declutter challenge and Allie was offering a hundred dollars off her huge decluttering course for the people doing the challenge. I wouldn’t spend $300 on the course, nor would I spend the reduced $200 price. I’m certain the course is worth the money. I’m certain it’s a sound investment. It’s not Allie; it’s me. It literally hurts me to think about spending that money on the course when I make do just fine with the free challenges and webinars.

But someone made a mistake and a fb ad went out for a special promotion price of $99. People were all up in arms that some had to pay $200 and some just $100. Blah blah blah the drama. I went to sleep.

This morning Allie addressed it in what seemed to be sincerely genuine horror that people would think she was being shady. I believe it to be true that it was just a mistake.

I also believe that when I realized I could have the whole course and for only $100, my first thought was “this is exactly what she wanted!”

Because above all the “people are out to get me” or to see me fail or fall or to be disappointed thoughs….the one thing I expect people are actively doing is trying to manipulate me.

“What will Jill fall for next?”

And that’s so interesting, isn’t it? Even more than doing me harm, I imagine people are just seeing how I work and what they can get me to do.

It certainly speaks some volumes about my childhood and my past relationships and my first marriage. Here is a moment where some random woman was probably having a super terrible day because she’s human and made a mistake and put the wrong promotion up….and here I am going, “this was all a ploy! She’s going to make even more money from quantity of sales than she would have from a regular sale price! And I fricking fell for it!”

I had to talk myself off the ledge. I’ve done this many times. I just re-have the conversation that my therapist (who I haven’t seen in a good few years) and I had seven years ago.

Me: He said he’d changed and I trusted him. I fell for it and he didn’t really change and I was duped!

Warrior goddess: This says something about him, not you. This says ‘he did this again’, not ‘I fell for it.'”

Me: *stomp stomp stomp*

Warrior goddess: Don’t lose your sense of trust in others. It closes you off from having experiences. Trust yourself. You are trustworthy. The important part is not “I got duped again.” The important part is “I got up again.

So. I don’t really think Allie manipulated anyone intentionally. Although, also, it’s a truly genius marketing strategy. But still. I got the course for $99 and it’s a smart and brave investment and I’m proud of me. And I’m trying to not consider that while I got a course…..I am out a hundred bucks, while she is just raaaaaaaaaaaking in the dough.

…..

*laughs out loud*

I just can’t keep myself from having the thoughts. Ha. But I can redirect them. I can listen to them and then let them be. The mind is fun. Sorta.