I’m momentarily coming to the end of my mental rope with friends not showing up for me. I’m sympathetic to the fact that people are going through things. And also I need some connection and I’m reaching out and they’re not reaching back.
Yesterday I suddenly became so freaking excited about all the things I’ve got going on–the growth mindset and decluttering (which is starting to feel really tangible again) and my very own website that I’m diligently working to launch. And fast as that realization hit, it was pulled from me.
I have no one to share it with.
That’s not entirely true. And it’s not my intention to discredit the people I have in my life, whom I love dearly, if I need something. But it’s not the same as having someone (or multiple someones) to be giddy with. It’s not the same as having someone who has known you for five years or fifteen. And despite my want for trying, I have no idea how to make up the difference.
Yesterday I navigated by leaning into the sadness and loneliness. I cried. I reached out to a new friend, someone who feels like she could be my people. I read al-anon passages. I watched Allie videos where she preached that I was worth clothes that make me feel good and uncluttered spaces and peace.
Slowly I walked through the grief.
And it sucked, while also feeling like progress. It was both. And I take comfort in the fact that it could be both and not just the suck. Still, tho. That suck is pretty sucky.
I find myself wondering often why my friends aren’t my friends anymore. Was it me? Was it them? Were we just not compatible for the long haul? I understand maybe they were just for a season, but…I miss them. I miss the me I was sometimes able to be with them. And I don’t know why they left. I wish I knew. It feels like maybe I’d better know how to keep friends if I knew why they left me. And yes, it does feel like the people I have in mind all personally chose to leave. To slowly sever the connection. It feels like if I could understand it, I could move on.
Reaching out to find out the why doesn’t feel like a good path tho, so I will continue to move along.
The notable progress about yesterday, apart from the through-not-around, was that food-as-comfort never crossed my mind. Food wasn’t on my radar at all. Pretty cool.
Today I am meeting two new friends for lunch. See what I can do about this loneliness business.
This morning felt sad. I could have wallowed in it. Or drowned in it. But that’s not so much my style. So L and I went to Target for a gift card I needed, and while we were there I got icicle lights for the living room.
There is never enough light in here and this helps, without making it too bright. I like the feel of it, so I think I’ll get more tomorrow. After Christmas sales are cool like that.
I also packed up and organized L’s toy area. The clutter and excess is getting to me. I decluttered the top of Yoshi’s tank and put laundry away and picked up my stuff from our room.
And Chris asked the question, which opened up the opportunity for communication, which I took. And that always feels better.
Every chance I’m able, I’ll grab movement over stagnation.
For all intents and purposes, I had a really great week.
I had my kids home all week. My in laws (whom I love) came over for Christmas. I’ve had a bizarrely great relationship with my mother for the last week or two. She sent Christmas presents, which she hasn’t been able to for many years now and I sent her presents.
But amidst what was goodness, today I still feel forgotten.
I don’t know what part is truth and what part is perception. But it probably doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day (or the beginning, as it were) it still feels kinda crushing.