The psyche fascinates me so. A friend said the other day that her boss expected so much from her, so much so that she feels like he’s setting her up to fail. And then she took a step back and said, “why would someone want me to fall?” and came to see that she just kinda has the mindset. She is always subconsciously thinking people are out to get her.
I do this too. I think people are out to get me or out to sabotage me. I think people will be disappointed in me–strangers and loved ones alike–or won’t like me. It’s not conscious and it’s no longer commonplace, but it happens. I have worked very hard to navigate away from that habit. It’s interesting how it creeps back in when I don’t expect it.
I’m doing my declutter challenge and Allie was offering a hundred dollars off her huge decluttering course for the people doing the challenge. I wouldn’t spend $300 on the course, nor would I spend the reduced $200 price. I’m certain the course is worth the money. I’m certain it’s a sound investment. It’s not Allie; it’s me. It literally hurts me to think about spending that money on the course when I make do just fine with the free challenges and webinars.
But someone made a mistake and a fb ad went out for a special promotion price of $99. People were all up in arms that some had to pay $200 and some just $100. Blah blah blah the drama. I went to sleep.
This morning Allie addressed it in what seemed to be sincerely genuine horror that people would think she was being shady. I believe it to be true that it was just a mistake.
I also believe that when I realized I could have the whole course and for only $100, my first thought was “this is exactly what she wanted!”
Because above all the “people are out to get me” or to see me fail or fall or to be disappointed thoughs….the one thing I expect people are actively doing is trying to manipulate me.
“What will Jill fall for next?”
And that’s so interesting, isn’t it? Even more than doing me harm, I imagine people are just seeing how I work and what they can get me to do.
It certainly speaks some volumes about my childhood and my past relationships and my first marriage. Here is a moment where some random woman was probably having a super terrible day because she’s human and made a mistake and put the wrong promotion up….and here I am going, “this was all a ploy! She’s going to make even more money from quantity of sales than she would have from a regular sale price! And I fricking fell for it!”
I had to talk myself off the ledge. I’ve done this many times. I just re-have the conversation that my therapist (who I haven’t seen in a good few years) and I had seven years ago.
Me: He said he’d changed and I trusted him. I fell for it and he didn’t really change and I was duped!
Warrior goddess: This says something about him, not you. This says ‘he did this again’, not ‘I fell for it.'”
Me: *stomp stomp stomp*
Warrior goddess: Don’t lose your sense of trust in others. It closes you off from having experiences. Trust yourself. You are trustworthy. The important part is not “I got duped again.” The important part is “I got up again.
So. I don’t really think Allie manipulated anyone intentionally. Although, also, it’s a truly genius marketing strategy. But still. I got the course for $99 and it’s a smart and brave investment and I’m proud of me. And I’m trying to not consider that while I got a course…..I am out a hundred bucks, while she is just raaaaaaaaaaaking in the dough.
*laughs out loud*
I just can’t keep myself from having the thoughts. Ha. But I can redirect them. I can listen to them and then let them be. The mind is fun. Sorta.