Tag: momentum

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

I can live and breathe and see the sun.

tec

Alright. As my week wraps up and I review the hellish “through not around” that I waded in with my daughter this week, I want to take the opportunity to note some tangible tools I have learned.

Embrace the steps.

Step one. It’s not about me. It’s unmanageable. It’s not mine. Step two. Someone else has got this. Step three. Take a step back and let it be that someone else’s. Step six. Practice the pause.

I realize I’m skipping four and five here.  It’s not to minimize them. Those ones have deeper digging. They do not pertain quite yet within my immediate, tangible action.

Create the tiniest gap.

My goal–that I haven’t taken much time to write about–is that I want the voices in my head to quiet. That quiet is the peace I am aspiring to. That quiet is a return to my best and highest self.

When the thought loops run rampant, as they are wont to do unchecked, I spiral out. I want so much more than that for myself. I am so much more than that.

I have options. I can tell the voice to fuck off. I can turn my attention to constructive actions. I can write down the thought loops and walk away from them. I can mantra in my head “words and opportunity”. I can ask to have it taken away. I can journal longform about it. I can ask myself “Am I acting from a place of love or s place of fear?”

Whichever I choose, the act of pausing and deciding creates a gap for the universe to come in and support me.

Move.

This is just a good go to on any day. Gets me simultaneously in my head and out of my head. It grounds me to the earth and the universe. It provides the connection back to self.

Reality is kinetic.

Perspective dictates that not only can people have entirely different experiences to the same situation, but those experiences can morph and muddle with time. Reality can shift and transmogrify, and none of it is real and all of it is real. Whatever we remember and however we filter it creates a picture through our lens and it becomes our truth.

This isn’t good nor bad. It’s life. This is something I’ve always been aware of, but I had many attachment thoughts about it. It is now clear to me it is something I need to accept. I don’t have a “how” for that right yet. But all the other tangible things I’ve come to acquire this week tell me that I can ask for the how and then I can wait and it’ll be given to me when I need it.

So….I’m learning to do the work and also just stop. Both and neither. Click click and click.

~~~~~~~

I want to add. My process normally is that I write and then I share and talk about it with Chris. I’ve found in the past that when I talk it over first, I never write about it, and I don’t like losing that part.

I’ve been trying to write this particular post all week and none of it came. It was too wordy and circumvented all the tangibility.

I was finally able to, yesterday, share with Chris the events that unfolded over the week. His week began with a seizure and recovery, and mine was full of navigating Tuesday with R and the week with the boys.

After connecting with Chris last night to share the story of my week, and after he listened so attentively and responded so compassionately, it allowed this post to flow easily. We were us, with all the extra personal growth we’ve worked for. It is goodness.

Uncategorized

I’m right there.

tec

I’m not really sure what’s up with me today.

It was a good day by all accounts. And yet, tonight I found myself eating. Hell, this afternoon I found myself eating. I checked in with myself. Nothing really felt off. But here I was, eating.

I snacked when I don’t normally snack. I ate more, even if not a lot, after I snacked. I noticed I was doing it and was, like, curiously detached?

I checked in with myself even!

And still, I don’t know what it was about.

If I’m being honest here, I want to say that I didn’t check in fully. But I checked in. It’s a start–in this strange land of practice.

It really wasn’t about quantity today. It was this odd, nuanced quality. I don’t know what the thing was that triggered the response, but today I just…I wanted to give in a little bit.

I wanted the comfort of the familiar.

Unfortunately, it’s a short-lived comfort and what little it worked a month ago, it works even less now.

I ate some after 7. I ate some after 8 even. I could have eaten all night. It would never have provided anything.

In hindsight that is sad, but at the time, the “sadness” or “mourning” of that loss were not feelings that registered for me. What I thought about was “what feelings triggered this?” I didn’t come up with anything. But I asked the question. Which means I’m learning. And eventually, even without an answer, I stepped away and went for a walk instead.

Then tonight I was going to go to sleep. And then I decided to pick up the kitchen a bit. And I committed to writing this post, but then I found myself getting ready to wash the dishes and I thought, “damn, girl, whatcha avoiding?”

And I don’t know. But I traded the sponge for the keyboard and showed up for myself.

I got it all down even if I still don’t really know what the “what” was.

Uncategorized

The whole world is moving.

tec

It’s so funny to me. I write a post like my last one, which, as soon as I honored that feeling, the feeling was gone. But then I don’t post for a few days and suddenly it appears that I memorialized that one fleeting moment for days. It amuses me.

Welcome to Thursday. Spring Break is slowly coming to its end. We are in week three of isolation. Here is a recap because I haven’t talked much about it.

The first week was because of influenza A. I got sick first and then R. We were diagnosed on Friday, when Chris started with similar symptoms. The second week was an e-learning trial run (which had some super high highs and some super low lows), along with Chris getting hit hard by the flu and L being hit by a super high fever and no other symptoms. S managed to stay sickness free the entire two weeks, then went to Joe’s for the weekend. Week three found everyone feeling better, except L had some dehydration and digestive stuff going on, but he seems better ish with fluids and a probiotic. S stayed the week at his dad’s which gave R some much needed S-free time. She also drove every day this week, which helped her feel seen and loved and trusted. Being out of work has been rough on Chris, but he’s actually handling it really well. He’s been doing self-reflection and showing up for himself, which is what I’m always hoping for for him. We also got to spend some good time together this week, going for a walk, watching Heroes a few nights, and cuddling on the couch.

I’ve been showing up for me as well. Taking a pause when I need to and shifting mindset in the face of challenging times. I’ve connected with my podcasts and my army of positive voices. I’ve committed time to my goals, especially getting my site launched, which I am constantly backburner’ing. I feel stable, which really says a lot.

The kids go back to e-learning next week and it’s going to be challenging. S gets sidetracked and R isolates. It will take a lot of mental effort on my part to stay on top of helping them stay on top of their education. One moment at a time.

None of this is easy. But I certainly don’t have to make it harder. I get to choose my mindset. That means everything. I choose goodness. That means even more.

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Dancing in the rumbling dark.

tec

No more distractions. Today I commit pen to paper (what I wouldn’t give for this to be handwritten and typed out) to talk about my weekly goals.

Week 3 (Nov 25): Mindful posture.

I had started listening to Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. It resounded so logically in my brain that I was immediately immersed in it. It really felt like it made all the world make sense. It made human beings make sense.

I only listened to the first few rules before the audiobook returned itself to the library app I was using, but so much has stayed with me. The most significant being posture. What physiological messages posture sends to our brain and our cells. What cultural messages our posture sends out to others. What psychological messages get sent to our mind. So fascinating!

And once I learned the biological anthropology of it all, I kinda just look at humans differently now. Myself especially. I want my body language to exude confidence even if my mind hasn’t caught up yet. So…mindful posture.

It used to be that I would sit and do something and I’d be all hunched over and my spine would be a giant C and I’d think, “Eh, whatever. It’s more comfortable than training my muscles to hold my body up properly.” Which is a terrible thing to think and yet, honestly, I did. Often. But that has all changed and now when I notice, I challenge my lazy thoughts and honor my body. Turns out my body really appreciates the improved blood flow and circulation and increased muscle strength and it pays off in dividends. Who knew? (Okay. Fine. Loooooots of people knew. But now I do too.)

Week 4 (Dec 2): Daily PT exercises.

I roll my eyes here a little. It seems so obviously that I’d already just do these because I’m in physical therapy and I want to feel better. But, being the stubborn human I can sometimes be, I really fight this part.

I want to have full range of motion. Of course. And also, goddamnit, I want to just have full range of motion without having to constantly work at it.

Told you there is an eyeroll.

So I fight it. But I put this goal in place to minimize the damage of my stubbornness.

I do not accomplish this goal daily. Full transparency. At the start it was often. In the middle there was possibly an entire week I didn’t do it at all. The past two weeks, I’ve been about…80%? I’ll freaking take 80% here, kids. Practice over perfection.

I’ve been paying a lot of attention recently to how my brain filters and decides things. I’ve come to see that for constructive success, I need to do the thing the moment I think of it. If my stretches cross my mind and I think, “I’ll do those later” or “I’ll do that in a bit,” it’s a no go. I won’t do it. I’ll forget. I’ll get distracted. So, just like I keep harping on my 12 year old, “Listen the first time,” turns out I should too.

So I have been and it’s made the difference. And it’s an interesting thing the brain does when you are often doing action at the onset of the thought. There is less inaction and less reaction. The procrastination and perfectionism and fears really just have nowhere to go if you are getting the things finished before all the things finish you.

Gonna go do these stretches now. More on the weekly goals later.