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A perfect day for doing the unstuck.

I’m a little of the mind, in this exact moment, that personal growth is stupid. I’m a little stompy about it. I’m a little salty.

I’m leaning into the (perceived) (temporary) inconvenience of having growth.

I wanted a morning.

And I didn’t get said morning. Because I can’t control how other human beings spend their time or how they process information. And I wouldn’t want control of that. I’m good to not have control of that. And also, when there is such a strangely skewed processing of things, I just….

I have to stop to breathe.

And maybe cry some.

It’s not about what did or didn’t happen. It’s not about the other triggering things this morning–I’ll write about that soon. It’s not even necessarily about the apparent crapshoot of miscommunication. Right now it’s only about how I find the way to constructively put one foot in front of the other and stay true to my path.

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So I’m at the library. Typing. And watching my little watch the fish.

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Like shooting stars.

I was driving and L was talking about going to visit Grandma. This is how our conversations usually go.

L: How we get there?
me: Well, it’s pretty far away. We could drive there.
L: Okay!
me: But that would take a long time. We could fly.
L: Ma! We don’t have wings!!
me: You make a good point, sir. We’d have to take an airplane.
L: Where we find one of those?
me: The airport.
L: Oh!

It all makes sense now.

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Swan dive.

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I keep fiddling with tectonicdraft related things, but have yet to launch my actual site. I will get there. There is no question. But also, ohmygosh, just freakin’ do it already, would ya?!

I’m currently doing some behind the scenes related things in my life. I’m working on decluttering my basement and my head. I signed up for Kendra Hennessy’s 12 week Your Best Mom Life course. I’m setting goals and connecting. I’m doing the work I’ve always been afraid of, but I’m not afraid.

I feel like I’m on the precipice toward myself.

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A chance that they will see.

Yesterday got scary for a little bit healthwise and I wanted to write. Time did not allow. Once the scary wore off a bit, regular life ensued and I still didn’t write. Then I had planned to today, but I decluttered for hours instead.

Now it is late and I’m falling asleep, but I just want to say, before I disappear for the night, I love being alive. I love living. I love all the easy and all the hard and all the beautiful and all the sad and scary and dark. I love the light.

I love holes in socks and stomp stomp stomp. I love cuddles and hugs and resting my head on any of my family. I love all the song lyrics and movie quotes. I love the goodness.

I love being alive. And for a moment yesterday,  I had to experience the “what if this is it?” moment. And it sucked. I love this life a lot. I’m not ready for it to end.

Maybe one day I will have some peace with that. For now, I bathe in gratitude that I am still here.

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Faster than I can.

I’m so count-y this morning. I just want it to be time to eat.

I’m certain it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with my head. But I don’t want to put in the work. This exact moment I’m tired of putting in the work.

I just needed to say that somewhere.

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Silent but sure.

Despite being very cold, I changed out of my pj pants and put on boxers instead before getting into bed tonight. I learned last week when my pj pants were in the wash that my bottommost blanket is especially warmer when it’s directly against my skin.

I’m sure there’s a metaphor here somewhere. A life lesson perhaps?

It’s better outside your comfort zone? Changing it up can be good for you? Getting too comfortable can lead to missing out on better comfort? You gotta risk a little cold in order to find the warmth?

No idea.

It’s in there somewhere.