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Escape is never the safest path.

I keep making the not constructive choice. I mean, I realize it serves a purpose, the destructive choices–the eating choices, but they’re not constructive. They feed something in me. No pun intended. I’m just not certain they are fueling anything for my greater good.

So I came here to say that I want the muffin. And sure, I don’t want anything more now. But if I eat the muffin, I’ll want the pretzels. Or the cookies. And then after eating crap, I’ll decide I should eat something nutritious. All the while never actually wanting for food.

And I can pretend to justify “just this once”, but it is never once. Eating disorders do not work that way. And I could try to justify “if I don’t do it now, then it’ll provide momentum to saying no later”. But really, that’s bullshit too today because by the time later happens I’m going to be all out of energy to make constructive decisions.

Therefore, what I’m going to do today, and just for today because it’s 9am and already I’m almost out of decision juice (and that’s not so promising) is decide that there’s no need for decisions later. Today I’m making the decision now to just abstain. There won’t be decisions later. I made the decision now.

That also means I need to fill my basket with other things because I’m taking the food tool out. So today can be about cleaning and doing a couple things from my checklist and rest. And probably lots of writing and accountability.

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May 27th PM2

In my plans for following my body and not my mind (they’ll find symbiosis in time), I have decided the nicest (read: most efficient) thing to do is stop eating foods that make my body feel terrible. Not classes of food, but specific ones. So no more of the mayo or honey mustard dressing that I have here. And probably no thousand island either. I have tasty alternatives (stone ground mustard, an oil and vinegar mix, cilantro ranch). I’m not changing anything. I’m not reacting or being hasty. I’m not eliminating it.

I’m honoring my body’s preference. There’s no need for them to be a staple in my diet. And I’m not heartbroken in the least. This feels like a really constructive way to listen to my body.

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May 25th PM5

I listened to my body today. I honored it. I navigated my head wanting to make other arrangements. I didn’t enable or judge or give credence to the conflicting nature of my head at my body’s expense. I just was. And it was good.

I have no idea how I did it exactly. But I’m going to keep paying attention and I’ll figure it out.