Uncategorized

Sentiments, like shadows, grow.

I have a compulsion this morning to weigh myself. I know it’s just that–a compulsion.

I know the rational. It doesn’t negate the irrational.

Logically I know that, whatever the number on the scale, it isn’t indicative of my health or my progress or even really my weight. Logically.

I considered scratching the itch. I considered getting out the scale and just seeing and then I’d know and I could go about my day and I wouldn’t entertain it again.

But that’s not how compulsion works.  Because I weighed myself over the weekend. And that doesn’t matter at all to the voice in my head. In fact, it gives the voice fodder. You lost .6 pounds. The number went down! Let’s see if it went down more. I hope it didn’t go up. Do you think it went up? We should check. Maybe it went down to the next whole number. Let’s look.

I can hear these thoughts and not listen to them. I can choose that. It’s not easy. But it’s possible.

This morning, like every morning before I get out of bed, I felt my stomach. I noticed the thinner skin and the flatter mounds. I noticed how my ribs protrude a little more. I noticed how my pelvis juts beneath the skin and the area below my belly button each day feels a bit flatter and a bit more hollow. And I thanked my body for being strong and supporting me. For keeping me alive and safe. And I told it that I’m learning how to care for it properly and kindly and I hope it can see my progress. I thanked my body for showing me progress.

I do this every morning.

This morning that routine precipitated a desire to weigh myself. To see if the number validated the bones and muscles and curves of my body. Today that routine opened a door to allow the compulsive voice in. That’s okay. It doesn’t make it a bad plan. Honoring my body is a good thing. Navigating unexpected moments is good too. My constructive routine may have played a part in opening the door, but it presented me an opportunity, and I am able to choose to gently close the door with little to no damage.

I have a compulsion, but in this moment it doesn’t have me. So I’m not weighing myself. I’m not enabling the compulsion. I’ve put in years of work for this. To stay the course for this moment. To see all the things and let all the things just be. One foot in front of the other.

Uncategorized

May 27th PM2

In my plans for following my body and not my mind (they’ll find symbiosis in time), I have decided the nicest (read: most efficient) thing to do is stop eating foods that make my body feel terrible. Not classes of food, but specific ones. So no more of the mayo or honey mustard dressing that I have here. And probably no thousand island either. I have tasty alternatives (stone ground mustard, an oil and vinegar mix, cilantro ranch). I’m not changing anything. I’m not reacting or being hasty. I’m not eliminating it.

I’m honoring my body’s preference. There’s no need for them to be a staple in my diet. And I’m not heartbroken in the least. This feels like a really constructive way to listen to my body.

Uncategorized

May 25th PM5

I listened to my body today. I honored it. I navigated my head wanting to make other arrangements. I didn’t enable or judge or give credence to the conflicting nature of my head at my body’s expense. I just was. And it was good.

I have no idea how I did it exactly. But I’m going to keep paying attention and I’ll figure it out.