pain – TectonicDraft

Amidst all the pain this week, there was a fuck of a lot of action and showing up. I could have crawled in a hole and died. (It wouldn’t have lasted long. But still, I could have.) And I chose not to.

Instead I chose action because my progress doesn’t allow for anything else.

I’ve been steadily working on the garage. The thing I deadlined for July, is well on schedule to be completed before that. I’ve already followed through on donation runs and weekly trash removal. The gone stuff is gone. The progress feels really good and I’ve taken the time to pause and celebrate myself.

I’ve continued with my daily five to thrive, and tho I haven’t written pen to paper, I have my start today journal dreams. I listened to Rachel’s Girl, Stop Apologizing. I finished Jen Sincero’s You are a Badass.

I talked with R about how we can get her basement room going and I mapped out a plan and timeline in my head. I’ll get that on paper this week.

The thing I feel most accomplished about is six freaking minutes!!

Screenshot_20200625-214917_Clock

The reason that feels so good is because it was so fucking hard and I risked initiating contact so I didn’t have to do it myself, and it actually made a difference. I risked the ask and the universe showed up for me.

This morning is rough.

I’m consciously staying in mindset mode, but it’s challenging.

I woke up so sore today. My arm and shoulder hurt so much. And I knew that constant ache had subsided, but with all the flu going on and all the e-learning and pandemic and self-isolation, it was just nice. And not necessarily a fore-front kind of awareness.

But today I woke up and couldn’t raise my blanket over myself with my left arm again and it all came flooding back to me. I remembered all those months–almost a year of them–of not having the use of my arm. Of being careful and guarded and in constant soreness. Always being reminded my body isn’t where it is supposed to be.

And then after ten months of physical therapy, they finally found a spot that trigger point release worked! And then I got the flu and my whole family got the flu and I couldn’t go to my therapy sessions and didn’t do my stretches. And that was all okay because suddenly I didn’t have the constant ache and I could function!

But I woke up this morning and I couldn’t pull my blanket over me. And I was overwhelmed by all the ways illness slowly steered me from all of my routines. I know I don’t have to stay overwhelmed. I know I can put overwhelm into action and turn the whole thing around.

Knowing it doesn’t make it easy.

I commit to my regular morning routine. I commit to my regular routine life. I’m going to put a podcast on and make sure that my ego-driven doubt and shame get drowned out. It’s not real. I’m going to make coffee and brush teeth and do the dishes. I’m going to take my daily medicines. I’m going to do a pass through of decluttering and disinfecting. I’m going to do my stretches.

Action bores suffocation.

Tag: pain

Ringing like a bell.

Tell me I’m fine.