Tag: the next right step

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

Ringing like a bell.

tec

Amidst all the pain this week, there was a fuck of a lot of action and showing up. I could have crawled in a hole and died. (It wouldn’t have lasted long. But still, I could have.) And I chose not to.

Instead I chose action because my progress doesn’t allow for anything else.

I’ve been steadily working on the garage. The thing I deadlined for July, is well on schedule to be completed before that. I’ve already followed through on donation runs and weekly trash removal. The gone stuff is gone. The progress feels really good and I’ve taken the time to pause and celebrate myself.

I’ve continued with my daily five to thrive, and tho I haven’t written pen to paper, I have my start today journal dreams. I listened to Rachel’s Girl, Stop Apologizing. I finished Jen Sincero’s You are a Badass.

I talked with R about how we can get her basement room going and I mapped out a plan and timeline in my head. I’ll get that on paper this week.

The thing I feel most accomplished about is six freaking minutes!!

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The reason that feels so good is because it was so fucking hard and I risked initiating contact so I didn’t have to do it myself, and it actually made a difference. I risked the ask and the universe showed up for me.

Uncategorized

Being what you are does not make a change.

tec

It’s never any surprise to me that the universe continually shows up for me.

I will never stop finding it both amusing and fascinating, even amidst the heartache.

R’s session shook me. I kept feeling compelled to have the whys and the hows or even the minutest detail or example. I wanted to know how she could possibly feel this way and how I could possibly fix it. I had question after question. I wanted to be heard. And validated.

The funny thing about having had so much therapy and actively pursuing personal growth and having so much self-awareness is that all the questions just make me make that squished up face. That feeling of “I wanna put the square peg in the round hole but obviously that’s not gonna work but lemme try to quasi attempt it this way and I know it’s pointless, but, like, if I can match them up juuuuuust right then….maybe…”

The problem is I want to ask all the wrong people the questions. Because I want to be validated. Because I don’t want to be seen as what I’m not. Because of my disbelief. Because it hurts to show up over and over and be pushed away and to show up more and, at the end of the day, have all that showing up feel to someone else the exact opposite of what it was to me.

They aren’t the right people tho.

All of my reasoning and logic and personal growth tell me that my daughter and her therapist are not to be my source of validation.

It’s moot. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much I want to stomp my feet.

So after we left the appointment I shut up. And I didn’t burden my already hurting 16 year old with my pains. And I told the voices in my head to fuck off. And I considered, “If she views me as the person in her life who has made her feel worthless, despite all my effort to the exact contrary, does it change anything? Would I call it quits on her because her lens is skewed? Would I throw guilt and resentment her way because her translator is broken? Would I go against my who merely because this hurts so damn much?”

Nope. Nope times infinity. Nope to the core of my being.

So when I ran into the store on the way home, I bought her a succulent. Because she said she feels invisible. And you can’t buy things for invisible people. Thereby practically saying, “You aren’t invisible, girl. I see you. Take this tiny succulent and know I love you. I am here.”

And then I went home and called my sponsor.

Uncategorized

Step down from this.

tec

I’m stomping. Oh my lord, I’m stomping. But I’m doing the damn thing too.

Damnit.

I’ve teetered all week on what I want my last 30 day food exemption to be for the next 90 challenge.  Last month I teetered too. Eventually I just decided to continue no ice cream.  But it kinda felt like not deciding.

I know snacking has been my downfall as of late. I know my body has been feeling kinda blah as a result. I know my food consumption has increased. I know I haven’t been ready to do anything about any of that. I know I’ve been afraid to lose the crutch.

Every morning I wake up and think maybe today will be the day I commit to no snacking and/or tostitos/pretzels/cheese puffs/chips. And every day I haven’t.

Today I thought maybe. And then when it came time, I thought maybe some more. And more again. And then instead, I chose a new question, and a new answer presented itself. I made carrots sticks with peanut butter and raisins.

I broke the cycle.

I don’t feel strong enough right in this moment to speak to what I might choose next time. Maybe it doesn’t matter. I dunno.

What I do know is that that very first moment means something. I’ll remember it. It’ll reinforce the thing that needs tending to. And then perhaps it’ll provide my answer for me when the time comes.

adventures in quarantine, Adventures in running, Uncategorized

I’m marching on to the beat I drum.

tec

In light of yesterday’s awesome, I bit the bullet and did day1 week1 of C25K!!

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Holy fuck.

That was amazing and oww and amazing.

I gave myself an extra two minutes of walk time at the halfway point. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to complete the second half without it.

The second half was actually easier than the first, I think. You run 5 of 8 and then suddenly you only have three left and it flies. Craziest thing.

But I did it!!

And I did it in a neighborhood, with people passing and cars passing and a little girl (and her dad) who said hi and asked how I was while I was running and I still answered her back! I let them all be a witness to my greatness instead of feeling like they were all judging me.

Man. I am so fucking proud of myself for this run.

Uncategorized

Fault lines that cannot sit still.

tec

The Lightbulb

I’ve heard a lot of great quotes in my lifetime that provide these life changing lightbulb moments for me. I “AHA!” and then…nada.

Lightbulb doesn’t stick.

Such is life sometimes. I’m only human.

I’ve heard quotes before about “future me” and how I can make choices now that future me would make. It sounded awesome! Huge lightbulb. I even wrote “what would future me do?” on the dry erase board. Then nada.

But two weeks ago, when I started the next90 challenge, Rachel Hollis said something. And I sparked. And I’m a freaking forest fire now.

The Match

Rachel explained the thought line so tangibly. She said (paraphrasing some here), “Imagine you have spent the last six months living as the dream version of yourself. The best version of you lives out the next six months. The best version of you shows up every day for yourself. The best version of you shows up every day for your family. You are more intentional and more present. Your gratitude journal is overflowing. You’ve been moving your body every day and drinking water and eating healthy foods. You feel stronger and your body is thriving. You live intentionally for six months.

“What does your life look like then? What does it look like in August? September? October? What does it look like when you’ve been living your dream life for six months?

“Imagine that person now. Be specific. What does that person look like? Dress like? That person–you, at your best–showing up well for you. Showing up well for others.

“Now. What would that person say to the person you are today? What does that person know is true? What does that person need you to do? What does that person want you to do right now?

“Six months from now–the very best version of you–what would they tell you to do in this situation?”

The Spark

And even tho I’ve heard that schtick before, something about her phrasing was palpable. Something hit and stuck. But not only stuck–it feels sewn into me.

Now when faced with a choice–food to binge, dessert to eat, time to spend–I do not think about how present me feels about it; future me fills my thoughts. I am not consumed by a present loss, I am overcome by a future gain. Instead of aspiring to be like Rachel or Dave or Kendra, I am aspiring to be future me. A spark that lights the world on fire.

Two weeks in and I’m still ablaze.