Author: tec

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The voice that’s been calling me back home.

tec

I had a panic attack this afternoon.

I feel compelled to write about it because I learned a lot of things. First, a panic attack is not failure. It is a lesson learned. Second, it’s not weakness. It is an opportunity to see how strong you were for so long until something got too big. Third, for me, it was a chance to see how far I’ve come.

In months and years past, a catalyst would have been icing on a cake that propelled me into yelling and shaming and damaging my relationships with the people I love the most.

Today, because of constant work I’ve poured into self-improvement, I felt all of the overwhelm, but I walked away. Never did I fall into a victim mentality because “no one helps me”. Nor did I walk toward anyone and spew venom. I didn’t do irreparable damage.

First, I asked myself why it hurt so much that it feels like my family isn’t showing up for me. And I listened. The answer was, even tho I’ve been showing up for myself, today I went a little too far showing up for someone else and it was at my expense. I hurt because I was mad at myself for not setting a better boundary.

Next, I asked myself why it hurt so much that I didn’t feel looked after. I listened for an answer. The answer was that, while it would be cool to have my family, or more specifically Chris, just omnisciently show up for me, it’s not reasonable. And just because sometimes I catch the glimmer of a grimace that he’s in pain and should ice his shoulder doesn’t mean he should catch all my cues. Hell, I may not even have clues. (And there are totally times I miss Chris’s clues.) Therefore, the answer to my question is that when I have needs, I need to voice those needs.

Today I had a panic attack and I invited Chris to sit with me. He showed up for me. I did it with him by my side. I didn’t have to feel alone.

Showing up for myself doesn’t just mean I run on run days no matter what. Part of showing up for myself means I tell other people what I need. I utilize my support system and let others help me when I need help.

Of course, it also means I get quiet and ask myself what I need. And then I listen and follow through.

I could view my panic attack today as a failure. Well. No. I can’t even do that. I don’t even have the mindset to view it that way anymore. I’ll say instead that, plain and simple, I had a panic attack today and it was a huge growth development moment for me.

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

The ground beneath your feet.

tec

Ohmygosh, guys, my legs!

I have never run that hard before. I’ve never pushed myself like that before. My thighs burn!! I ran so hard, I thought I might puke! It’s fucking amazing!

Today was 25 minutes of 30/30 with a two minute warmup and what was supposed to be a 3 minute cooldown, but I ran my runs so hard I continued walking after I stopped the clock.

Holy moly I feel amazing!

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

I know what I know if you know what I mean.

tec

Future me shared in confidence today. This eating disorder can appear at any time–nature of the disease. When things are really blah or really awesome. Any time it wants.

Future me stays proactive. So I stay proactive.

Today the boys and I made a cake, along with frosting from scratch. We videochat’d with grandma and grandpa, and then Sue and I laughed so hard we cried when S ate a spoonful of cocoa powder. It was really such an amazing way to spend an hour, especially when we can’thave physical contact.

Afterwards the boys and I each had a piece of cake and Chris stood in abstained solidarity with R because she cut out sugar this month. S asked for another piece, as he is wont to do, and I said no.

Then the cake sat there awhile.

It would have been so freaking easy to eat more and also I would have felt so sick. So I abstained too. It was easy.

This is when future me tapped me on the shoulder and said, “what about tomorrow?”

Me, I replied, “what about what about tomorrow?”

“What about when the appeal is bigger tomorrow? What about if the disease feels bigger tomorrow? What about when it isn’t easy?”

Oh.

Future me is proactive. So I am proactive.

I cut enough for the boys to have a couple small slices over the next few days, and then I wrapped up the rest for the freezer.

This emptied and clean baking dish felt better than anything else I did today.

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Fault lines that cannot sit still.

tec

The Lightbulb

I’ve heard a lot of great quotes in my lifetime that provide these life changing lightbulb moments for me. I “AHA!” and then…nada.

Lightbulb doesn’t stick.

Such is life sometimes. I’m only human.

I’ve heard quotes before about “future me” and how I can make choices now that future me would make. It sounded awesome! Huge lightbulb. I even wrote “what would future me do?” on the dry erase board. Then nada.

But two weeks ago, when I started the next90 challenge, Rachel Hollis said something. And I sparked. And I’m a freaking forest fire now.

The Match

Rachel explained the thought line so tangibly. She said (paraphrasing some here), “Imagine you have spent the last six months living as the dream version of yourself. The best version of you lives out the next six months. The best version of you shows up every day for yourself. The best version of you shows up every day for your family. You are more intentional and more present. Your gratitude journal is overflowing. You’ve been moving your body every day and drinking water and eating healthy foods. You feel stronger and your body is thriving. You live intentionally for six months.

“What does your life look like then? What does it look like in August? September? October? What does it look like when you’ve been living your dream life for six months?

“Imagine that person now. Be specific. What does that person look like? Dress like? That person–you, at your best–showing up well for you. Showing up well for others.

“Now. What would that person say to the person you are today? What does that person know is true? What does that person need you to do? What does that person want you to do right now?

“Six months from now–the very best version of you–what would they tell you to do in this situation?”

The Spark

And even tho I’ve heard that schtick before, something about her phrasing was palpable. Something hit and stuck. But not only stuck–it feels sewn into me.

Now when faced with a choice–food to binge, dessert to eat, time to spend–I do not think about how present me feels about it; future me fills my thoughts. I am not consumed by a present loss, I am overcome by a future gain. Instead of aspiring to be like Rachel or Dave or Kendra, I am aspiring to be future me. A spark that lights the world on fire.

Two weeks in and I’m still ablaze.

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

Who I’m meant to be.

tec

New goals met!! 30 second run/30 second walk. 20 minutes!! (5 min warm up/cool down)

*times will now include warmup/cooldown…probably…

Running for that long was so challenging! There were so many thoughts bouncing around in my head. My left ankle tendon throbs! Slow breathe in; slow breathe out. Follow through–heel to toe. Am I standing up straight? Do I have good form? Slow dowwwwwnn.

But also it is exhilarating moving my body like that! I can’t wait til jogging builds enough endurance that I can maintain long running strides.

Yesterday I decided I would do either 20 or 25 second runs, but at the last minute today I decided for 30 with a 15 minute duration. Five minutes into the run I decided I’d do 25 total with the warmup and cooldown. It felt so freaking good.

This week I commit to writing out a two week training plan. Today I downloaded the C25K app, mostly because I didn’t want to have to create my own plan. But their week 1 is run 60 seconds and I’m not there yet. So this week I’ll write out a plan for the next couple weeks and then hopefully I’ll be able to pick up their week 1 on my week 4.

I don’t have a solid timetable or deadline for being ready to do my 5K. Before summer’s end. For now I just want to run and get stronger and go for longer. I can’t convey how gratifying it feels that I already feel progress!

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

I’m so much more.

tec

Training day #….something. #5.

Back to running today. 15 on. 45 off. 30 minutes.

30 FREAKING MINUTES!!!

Screenshot_20200411-154401_Clock

The weather was fair. No rain today! Dry ground. And my first ever 30 minutes!!

The universe challenged me again today. My neighbors were actually outside this time. My ego said, “Hey. Your neighbors are gonna be out doing yard work while you run. You sure you want them seeing? They could think all sorts of things about you and how you look running…”

And I said, “Yep. I’m good. Let them see. I could inspire them.”

Then with my music turned full blast, I ran my laps in bliss. I breathed hard and knew every breath was sending oxygen to my muscles. And I sweated and knew my body was properly cooling me. I took pride in every voluntary and involuntary thing my body did.

I absolutely love how this is challenging all my mindset work and I keep showing up anyway. Also, the example I am setting for my family–that I can have a dream and go after it–is priceless to me.

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

The beating of your heart.

tec

Training day #4.

I took a running break today. The reasons were threefold, but mostly it came down to time. I mean, yes, totally I should take breaks. But also, I’m one to delay a break. So I used the other reasons as incentive.

I replaced my regular training with quality time with the kids. S and I played soccer (ish) and badminton for 35 minutes. Then R and I walked for 45.

Training is all about the downtime too. I’m trying to remember that.

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She said, “I dig you, baby, but I got to keep movin’ on.”

tec

She came. She saw. She conquered.

We volunteered to foster a dog a few days ago. Chris and I adventure roadtrip’d a half hour away to pick up this super sweet stray. Then we detoured to pick up supplies and came home.

Our dog was not fond of the new pup.

<insert super sad panda face>

We navigated and kept the dogs separate. It was a huge pain in the ass, but still totally worth it! She was sweet, but also 50lbs of pure charging muscle. We learned she was just 14 months old and it showed in the adorable way she couldn’t control her running body. I called her a flopsy mopsy cottontail of a dog.

L loved her, but not how fast she would come at him. Nor did he love her kisses. I, on the other hand, loved her excited chin licks.

Yesterday L and I took her to animal services so the vet could do a checkup and check her skin. It was a fun way to get out of the house during a quarantine.

Today Harley enjoyed sleeping “next to” MJ, but we couldn’t quite make it work better than that.

A volunteer picked her up this evening to bring her to a foster to adopt home. I hope it’s her new permanent home and that she feels safe and loved.

As I sit home tonight feeling safe and loved, I am especially grateful for a husband who not only tolerates these random acts of kindness and joy, but fully supports me in all these endeavors as well. And I’m grateful for kids who think it’s mostly sorta pretty all right too.

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

No more false starts and no dead end.

tec

Oh, Thursday, you challenge me so.

As a regular part of my lifestyle, I have an eating window. It’s typically noon to 7pm. I’ve been working out recently and it also is usually some time between 12 and 7.

Intermittent fasting isn’t new to me and I am also familiar with fasted workouts. I just hadn’t done one recently.

Today felt like a great time to do it!

I had started making my breakfast and suddenly I excitedly thought, “run fasted instead!” The sunnyish skies were starting to turn cloudy as well and I didn’t want to have to run in the rain and mud two days in a row.

The previous days were warm tho. Holy freaking hell, it had turned cold.

I’m out there in a tshirt and a jacket that is so thin, it might as well have been lingerie.

I start running.

Yesterday’s 20 minutes was so awesome, I’m certain I’m doing 30 today. At 10, I find myself reevaluating my expectations.

Because it starts freaking snowing.

I shit you not. But I run run run anyway. No way the universe is gonna break me.

I get to the 15 minute mark and I know I can make it to 20. I also know that when I get to 20, I will commit to 25.

At 16 minutes the screen on my phone goes dark and I can’t see to time the 15s/45s laps. Whatever. No biggie. I have a rough gauge. I run a few more laps and as I round the corner, I know I can check to see if maybe my phone is at 5%, which would explain the screen having gone dark.

Yep. My phone is dying. It illuminates long enough to show the 20 minute mark before powering off completely. Taking my music with it.

Mother. fucking. hell.

Now, a less opportunity-seeking woman may have crumbled at this prospect. It might have driven fear into the hearts of others. Some may have cried or called it quits.

I laughed.

Oh, I laughed so hard.

I see you universe. And I raise you. All in.

No music. No stopwatch. Snow falling around me. I ran the fuck out of that run.

At the risk of repeating myself here, I told you already–I’m fighting hard for this one.

Finally, my training wraps up. Exhausted, but proud, I head inside. Then the dogs freak out and it’s another 45 minutes before I can eat. Hilarity ensues as the lightheadedness makes my head swim.

I don’t mind. It added to the story that made up this fine Thursday of mine. May tomorrow be another amazing adventure!

Adventures in running, Uncategorized

I see what I can.

tec

Day #2 of training. The universe is highly amused.

I was apprehensive about training today because I got so tired so quick yesterday. I desperately want running to be awesome and cathartic. I’m not there yet. So far it’s more energy expending.

It’s a process. I embrace the process.

So! Apprehensive. But then we fostered a dog today. A dog, it turns out, Harley doesn’t much like. Trying to introduce them, I wrestled Harley. And the other pup. Then Chris and I walked them. In the rain. Wrestling more. I was pretty well tapped out.

Except I’m training, so tough poopoo. Train anyway.

I turned my music up super loud and ran in the freshly stormed on field, with my freshly drenched Converse and socks. My 15 minute training from yesterday increased to 20.

Screenshot_20200408-190321_Clock

I thought about doubling it. It was doable. But also I was drenched and so I took the 20 minutes as a win.

It wasn’t as hard or daunting as I feared. And this sweet girl greeted me when I finished. The universe definitely wants to see how important this is to me.

It’s really fucking important.