Category: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Don’t complicate it.

tec

I love this blog. I often think of it ridiculously fondly and I’m just so glad it exists.

I also love my daughter’s boyfriend. He feels like a genuinely nice boy. More on that when I’m better slept.

It’s 11pm now. I’m out of decision juice. I’ve been out of it for a good long time. In fact, I’m pretty sure I started the day out of it. I didn’t sleep enough and that skewed my everything. Chris stopped taking an addictive (and no longer necessary) medication on Friday. His morning dose was the last one and this three year battle is finally coming to an end. It’s going to change so many things for the better and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

The side effects are terrible tho and will continue to be for a little while. Far less terrible than the damage of being on the drug. I’m so happy for him and relieved and…cautious. Especially because of his seizure disorder. So we’ve taken it one minute at a time this weekend. It also meant I was up til 3am this morning, and the dog woke me to play at 7:30. And now it’s 11 and I’m still up.

All that is to say that I didn’t have the energy to stop making decisions today. (Counterintuitive much?) Decisions that go against my greatest good. I kept consciously making decisions that went against what my brain was telling me to do. There were good moments too. Practicing moments. Where I didn’t decide and just let all the things be. I reminded myself I had nothing to decide. And for that I’m extremely proud of myself. Tomorrow is another day. And I feel good about it. But first, so much sleep.

Uncategorized

I don’t want to wait.

tec

I had this moment today where I realized I had had three constructively successful days in a row. And I wanted to take a picture of the meal I was making, but then I got self-conscious about my vegetables and chicken and rice and then I spiraled a little.

Later I made the decision to eat ice cream. And it’s totally cool that I changed my mind and decided something. I’m all for the lessons. But it felt a little too sabotaging and unnecessary.

Afterwards I was doing the dishes and thought “You made the decision. You weren’t supposed to make decisions. The whole point is to not make decisions. You made the decision this morning and your only responsibility was to follow through.”

So….no rough feelings about the decision. And also, decision making right now is more to my detriment than to my well being. It feels good to connect those dots.

Uncategorized

Get you out of my head.

tec

Now comes the part I don’t know what to do with.

I ate my pretty lunch.

20191002_123601

Now what?

‘Cause what I want to do is eat something else too. I used to never snack, and now I feel like I exclusively snack. I don’t want to cold turkey it. I want this transition to feel….not terrible. Yet I’m left here in a bit of limbo.

So I’ve decided I’ll have a handful of tostitos in a bowl and call it good. I can eat again later when it’s time for another meal.

After that I will get back to laundry and potty training my sweet (sleepy) pup.

20191002_131410

How do you navigate your non-food hungers? What are your go-to snacks? I’d love to engage with the people who “like” my posts. I’m sure all of you aren’t bots….probably…

Uncategorized

Escape is never the safest path.

tec

I keep making the not constructive choice. I mean, I realize it serves a purpose, the destructive choices–the eating choices, but they’re not constructive. They feed something in me. No pun intended. I’m just not certain they are fueling anything for my greater good.

So I came here to say that I want the muffin. And sure, I don’t want anything more now. But if I eat the muffin, I’ll want the pretzels. Or the cookies. And then after eating crap, I’ll decide I should eat something nutritious. All the while never actually wanting for food.

And I can pretend to justify “just this once”, but it is never once. Eating disorders do not work that way. And I could try to justify “if I don’t do it now, then it’ll provide momentum to saying no later”. But really, that’s bullshit too today because by the time later happens I’m going to be all out of energy to make constructive decisions.

Therefore, what I’m going to do today, and just for today because it’s 9am and already I’m almost out of decision juice (and that’s not so promising) is decide that there’s no need for decisions later. Today I’m making the decision now to just abstain. There won’t be decisions later. I made the decision now.

That also means I need to fill my basket with other things because I’m taking the food tool out. So today can be about cleaning and doing a couple things from my checklist and rest. And probably lots of writing and accountability.

Uncategorized

Twenty twenty twenty-four hours ago.

tec

There is a chill today. And an itch. And a restlessness.

Welcome to the hard days of fall.

I do love fall–but the sunshine days. The cloudy, dreary days are heavier than I’m prepared for.

I saw Brian yesterday.

That sits heavy with me too. I wish I had stopped him. I wish I had said his name or hi or…something. Instead, everything in me said not to. The dichotomy of both is tearing me apart.

Chris said, since I had wondered about him just a week ago, that maybe it was the universe letting me know he is okay. And that I wasn’t meant to talk to him or engage with him. Just see that he looked like he was doing good.

I want that to be enough.

But honestly, it’s just not.

The thing that hurts is that there’s just not room for him in my life. There’s not a place. And…it’s so frustrating! Because I *want* people. But even at my best and at his best, there’s no place for him. There can’t be a place for him.

And that makes me incredibly sad.

Uncategorized

I will shelter you.

tec

not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys-23053476

Chris has a friend out visiting today. Said friend is bogged with anxiety and intelligence. It’s always difficult to navigate being around him because I am so sensitive to his energy. I never feel calm or chill. That bumps up my anxiety.

On top of that it triggers me when someone constantly–without rest or reprieve–talks like he knows everything, including my life, like he has better firsthand knowledge than I do. It’s not a comfort to me to tell me about my dog or my children. Furthermore, it’s aggravating that if you know allllll about child development, but then laugh in my 3 year old’s face as he’s processing a learning moment, well, fuck, man. That’s lame.

But here’s the thing. That’s his zoo. I have my own zoo. I can’t do anything about his super annoying to me need to comment on all the things all the time. There’s no need to convince or sway or…anything. I can walk away.

Let me be the first to say that this is *not* the easy route. It’s a super sucky route. But it’s the right route. It’s the path that saves me from a further downward cycle of anxiety and rage. And it’s just one moment amid thousands.

If I fight this battle, I’m going to lose the war. My family deserves better. I deserve better. And only I can dictate my choices.

So I’m going to keep telling myself that over and over instead of engaging in any conversation.

This is my safe place.

Uncategorized

The outside turning in.

tec

I haven’t written in a long time. Again. I don’t even want to be writing right now.

I have been actively participating in life. I have been staying on top of responsibilities. Actions that, in the past, have paralyzed me. Phones call to find three different new doctors/specialists for my kids. More phones to set up appointments and preregistrations. More phone calls when something comes up and the doctor needs to reschedule. Filling out paperwork. Going to new appointments. Navigating my daughter’s desire to have nothing to do with me. Navigating my son’s desire to have no confidence in himself whatsoever. (Okay, he probably doesn’t *desire* this…but also…kinda?… He’s a conundrum.) Also add in school supply shopping and orientations. And R’s eye exams and new glasses.

I’ve wanted to tell actual stories about all these things, but after accomplishing all these really hard for me things, I’m just too exhausted to sit and write about them.

And now that I’ve typed all this out I have to navigate the sadness that I haven’t found room to do both act and process. I will need to be gentle with myself as I find a way to balance back out before I burn myself out.

In the meantime, I’m going to sit here with L for the first quiet morning I’ve had in weeks.