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Snug and safe from harm.

tec

Today was a day.

My ferret had seizures all morning and screamed this scream. It hurts too much to think about. After calling many vets, I finally got him in somewhere. I texted R and she was good to not come. I called S’s school and he came out to say goodbye. L fell asleep on the way there, which was good because the 15 minute cat nap was just the thing to make him L again, after a crazy morning.

Spike’s seizures never stopped. Even after they gave anti seizure meds. She found a thumb size mass in his abdomen. He was in so much pain. He was in the lifespan range. And the only kind option left was to put him down so he wouldn’t be in pain anymore.

And I did this all with a 3 year old.

I cried. Obviously. And he made his concerned face, which, to the untrained eye is a glare, but is just him processing.

After they sedated Spike and left the room (by the way, the nurse and doctor were the kindest, nicest people I have even encountered), I asked L how he was. He said, “I a little sad” and I told him it was just right to be a little sad and he said “do you want to be sad together?” and I said if we have to be sad, together is the best way to do it.

You were very loved, Spike. I’ll look out for your sister. Rest easy.

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A chance that they will see.

tec

Yesterday got scary for a little bit healthwise and I wanted to write. Time did not allow. Once the scary wore off a bit, regular life ensued and I still didn’t write. Then I had planned to today, but I decluttered for hours instead.

Now it is late and I’m falling asleep, but I just want to say, before I disappear for the night, I love being alive. I love living. I love all the easy and all the hard and all the beautiful and all the sad and scary and dark. I love the light.

I love holes in socks and stomp stomp stomp. I love cuddles and hugs and resting my head on any of my family. I love all the song lyrics and movie quotes. I love the goodness.

I love being alive. And for a moment yesterday,  I had to experience the “what if this is it?” moment. And it sucked. I love this life a lot. I’m not ready for it to end.

Maybe one day I will have some peace with that. For now, I bathe in gratitude that I am still here.

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Faster than I can.

tec

I’m so count-y this morning. I just want it to be time to eat.

I’m certain it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with my head. But I don’t want to put in the work. This exact moment I’m tired of putting in the work.

I just needed to say that somewhere.

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Hands of a clock.

tec

If you were to ask Chris how our week has gone as a couple, he would say that we feel a million miles away.

If you were to ask me, I’d say that he had some challenging days this week that kept him from me, and that I had a few hours one evening that kept me from him, navigating those days that kept him from me.

Last night, while we were running late and the cat was in the garage, making it inaccessible (the garage, not the cat…tho she wasn’t accessible either…), and I needed to get L’s carseat installed in the car and everything was all snowy and icy and slippery, and we were in a rush to get Chris to his meeting and get the boys to science night at the school, there was this incredible pause. He just came over and he put his hand on my face and the world stopped. And we kissed and nothing else existed in that moment. And no one would have ever been able to say he and I were a million miles from one another.

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Fireworks and hurricanes.

tec

Yesterday someone in one of my decluttering groups posted asking if anyone wanted to have an accountability partner for today for decluttering the kitchen. I said I wasn’t kitchen’ing, but would totally love that for another area.

I hadn’t decided where yet, I just knew I wanted some tangible momentum. I love all the mindset growth, and getting the previously hard “to do” things done, but I’ve been focusing on maintenance decluttering, so new progress has been lacking.

Today I decided to do some behind the scenes decluttering. These two drawers end up collecting all the things. I don’t want spaces like that.

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I committed to accountability, so off I went. Three grueling hours later I was finally finished.

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I threw some stuff away and put other things in a bag for donations. A lot of stuff is just going into a box to work on later–the paper clutter and the memory things.

I didn’t have the mental energy to go through it efficiently. Some days I’m just not going to be able to purge the way I want to. I have to remember progress over perfection.

Honestly, by the time I finished today I was too exhausted and drained of energy to enjoy the progress. I’ll get there.

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Silent but sure.

tec

Despite being very cold, I changed out of my pj pants and put on boxers instead before getting into bed tonight. I learned last week when my pj pants were in the wash that my bottommost blanket is especially warmer when it’s directly against my skin.

I’m sure there’s a metaphor here somewhere. A life lesson perhaps?

It’s better outside your comfort zone? Changing it up can be good for you? Getting too comfortable can lead to missing out on better comfort? You gotta risk a little cold in order to find the warmth?

No idea.

It’s in there somewhere.

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You’re only as loud as the noises you make.

tec

I had physical therapy today. I’ve been in physical therapy since May, for an injury in March. He said they’re going to take a new approach because I still don’t have full range of motion. They said I’m a conundrum because the symptoms I describe aren’t really in line with my injury.

In a regular, well adjusted person this might be translated exactly as they said it.

In my mind (the one that’s had a lot of progress, but will always have aspects of that never believed little girl) I could only hear, “Your pain isn’t real.”

I have to fight every instinct to un-translate that thought loop. I have to work unbelievably hard to remember I have value and I’m worth a full recovery. I have to claw my way to a halt after cascading toward nothingness.

I can’t turn off the thought. I couldn’t stop the thoughts, “Okay, but what’s the right description for the pain when I come in next time? What is the correct way my arm is supposed to feel? Tell me the magic words I’m supposed to say to describe the pain so that you’ll believe me and I can feel better. ”

I couldn’t stop those thoughts if I tried.

So I didn’t try.

I didn’t put energy toward it. I didn’t give them credence though. I can hear the thoughts, but I don’t have to listen to them.

It’s not easy.

It’s not easy getting my body to not react to the thoughts and take it as gospel. It’s not easy to remember that my truth supercedes someone else’s, even if they are the professional and “know better”. It’s not easy to navigate all of this when it’s been almost a year of pain.

I keep countering all the thoughts anyway though because no matter how not easy it is to counter them, it’s still possible.

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The fire in your eyes.

tec

Today I brought a freshly baked loaf of bread home from the store. My daughter was all ooooooh. I excitedly said, “feel how squishy!” She felt it and I could tell she wasn’t on board with my excitement. I said, “What’s the matter?” She said, “It’s too squishy. Is it too squishy? It’s not supposed to be squishy.” I told her it was perfect. She said, “But you always have me feel the bread first to get a firm one…”

And the look she gave me. The realization she’s been doing it the wrong way all this time. She could have disappeared completely and I just hugged her and kept her with me and said “Oh, sweet girl” over and over.

She’s been coming into her own so much recently. It’s just astounding to watch as she morphs from this hostile, hormonal teenager into…a person.

Tonight she came out and showed me and Chris her wrist. She had written “victory” on it and was giddy excited. She said it’s like the semicolon movement and she had worked so hard to write it all perfect.

After she walked out of the room I said, “Man, I love how every day she becomes a little more me,” and it was my turn to be a bit giddy. Chris said, pointing to my face and happy demeanor, “I love how this is all going on with you.” And, even tho I didn’t say it at the time, I love all the little things going on with him right now too.

I used to write on my wrists. Like R did tonight. Little messages. Reminders. Tethers. It’s all these separate things we’re doing that help remind me all the ways we’re connected.