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The fire in your eyes.

Today I brought a freshly baked loaf of bread home from the store. My daughter was all ooooooh. I excitedly said, “feel how squishy!” She felt it and I could tell she wasn’t on board with my excitement. I said, “What’s the matter?” She said, “It’s too squishy. Is it too squishy? It’s not supposed to be squishy.” I told her it was perfect. She said, “But you always have me feel the bread first to get a firm one…”

And the look she gave me. The realization she’s been doing it the wrong way all this time. She could have disappeared completely and I just hugged her and kept her with me and said “Oh, sweet girl” over and over.

She’s been coming into her own so much recently. It’s just astounding to watch as she morphs from this hostile, hormonal teenager into…a person.

Tonight she came out and showed me and Chris her wrist. She had written “victory” on it and was giddy excited. She said it’s like the semicolon movement and she had worked so hard to write it all perfect.

After she walked out of the room I said, “Man, I love how every day she becomes a little more me,” and it was my turn to be a bit giddy. Chris said, pointing to my face and happy demeanor, “I love how this is all going on with you.” And, even tho I didn’t say it at the time, I love all the little things going on with him right now too.

I used to write on my wrists. Like R did tonight. Little messages. Reminders. Tethers. It’s all these separate things we’re doing that help remind me all the ways we’re connected.

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I’ll wait up for you, dear.

I had such a nice day with my husband.

This sounds a little odd to say, seeing as it was a day filled with family and goings on and the neverendingness.

But also. I had such a nice day with my husband.

Today wasn’t really about the time we spent with each other. It was about the effortlessness of fluidity. It was about how we could be in a room together or a room apart and we still managed things in quiet synchronicity.

He did the dishes and cleaned the bathroom. While I wrapped presents and got Christmas stuff ready. He changed the cat’s litter while I vacuumed. He chilled in the living room with some family, while I chilled in the kitchen with other members of the family. We would meet up and we would separate.

We flowed.

I didn’t have nearly enough time with him today. I didn’t touch him enough or kiss him enough or take downtime with him enough. But still, I felt like we were in this together. On a day that is typically chaotic and intense and overwhelming, it felt easy to navigate family Christmas with him. He made my day.