You’re only as loud as the noises you make.

I had physical therapy today. I’ve been in physical therapy since May, for an injury in March. He said they’re going to take a new approach because I still don’t have full range of motion. They said I’m a conundrum because the symptoms I describe aren’t really in line with my injury.

In a regular, well adjusted person this might be translated exactly as they said it.

In my mind (the one that’s had a lot of progress, but will always have aspects of that never believed little girl) I could only hear, “Your pain isn’t real.”

I have to fight every instinct to un-translate that thought loop. I have to work unbelievably hard to remember I have value and I’m worth a full recovery. I have to claw my way to a halt after cascading toward nothingness.

I can’t turn off the thought. I couldn’t stop the thoughts, “Okay, but what’s the right description for the pain when I come in next time? What is the correct way my arm is supposed to feel? Tell me the magic words I’m supposed to say to describe the pain so that you’ll believe me and I can feel better. ”

I couldn’t stop those thoughts if I tried.

So I didn’t try.

I didn’t put energy toward it. I didn’t give them credence though. I can hear the thoughts, but I don’t have to listen to them.

It’s not easy.

It’s not easy getting my body to not react to the thoughts and take it as gospel. It’s not easy to remember that my truth supercedes someone else’s, even if they are the professional and “know better”. It’s not easy to navigate all of this when it’s been almost a year of pain.

I keep countering all the thoughts anyway though because no matter how not easy it is to counter them, it’s still possible.

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