adventures in quarantine, Adventures in running, Uncategorized

Keep my composure when it’s time.

I jacked up my knee(s) a bit. I’m thinking it’s patellar tendinitis. Seems the most likely culprit.

The universe was like “hold up, li’l girl” and then instead of stomping about it–because that would have really hurt–I said “okay” and I complied without complaint.

I am no less committed to my dream, though I certainly feel the affects of this injury on my heart.

Yes, it sucks and I’m trying to honor those feelings in myself. I don’t want to dismiss or compartmentalize them. It does suck and I recognize that. But also, I have the tools and support to navigate it.

I will keep chugging along.

From the start I have viewed this time as both training and running. Training wants to be the focus. I’ll ice and rest for now and then I’ll start strength training, increase walking, and focus on endurance in other ways. This isn’t a hard stop. It’s just a speed bump.

I still choose joy. I am still a runner.

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

Hold on to the thread.

I realized last night I take my recent decrease in anxiety entirely for granted.

I read a post about a girl who is filled with anxiety and dread when she has to go to the store. As an anxiety survivor (and sometimes navigator), I remember that feeling, but even with my recent panic attack, that anxiety currently feels far away.

I remember months of paralyzing time passing when I couldn’t make a phone call to a doctor’s office. Or I’d put off going to the store for days. Or I just couldn’t do the laundry. Hell, this blog. I’m great at writing it, but setting the whole thing up and actually launching my site is taking months.

But back to the grocery store and the pandemic. It’s absolutely scary. The thought of being out of commission for so long and feeling like you could quite literally die. Or even the prospect of dying. It is all scary.

The thing is…I just don’t think of those things. That kind of anxiety doesnt trip me up. And I should really stop taking that for granted.

So I want to put out into the universe right now that I am filled with overwhelming gratitude that I can go grocery shopping without anxiety. (But only like every ten days, because, seriously guys, there’s a pandemic out there. Be smart. Stay home.) And still, I am so fucking grateful.

I actually have a quick shopping story. I was stocking up a few days ago. Walking around with my mask and my knitted hat. Pushing my shopping cart with the sleeves of my hoodie. Being safe and spreading joy. Making eye contact and smiling at every person I see.

Some people ignore me and others give an obligatory half smile back. No matter. You do you.

But one guy smiled and winked at me! And it totally fucking made my day. Because in the midst of all this unknown and chaos and upheaval, we shared this nanosecond of normal life.

I hope that in the midst of this pandemic, and the unknown and the anxiety and the isolation, you are gifted moments of human connection that make life feel a little like life again.

adventures in quarantine, Uncategorized

I know what I know if you know what I mean.

Future me shared in confidence today. This eating disorder can appear at any time–nature of the disease. When things are really blah or really awesome. Any time it wants.

Future me stays proactive. So I stay proactive.

Today the boys and I made a cake, along with frosting from scratch. We videochat’d with grandma and grandpa, and then Sue and I laughed so hard we cried when S ate a spoonful of cocoa powder. It was really such an amazing way to spend an hour, especially when we can’thave physical contact.

Afterwards the boys and I each had a piece of cake and Chris stood in abstained solidarity with R because she cut out sugar this month. S asked for another piece, as he is wont to do, and I said no.

Then the cake sat there awhile.

It would have been so freaking easy to eat more and also I would have felt so sick. So I abstained too. It was easy.

This is when future me tapped me on the shoulder and said, “what about tomorrow?”

Me, I replied, “what about what about tomorrow?”

“What about when the appeal is bigger tomorrow? What about if the disease feels bigger tomorrow? What about when it isn’t easy?”

Oh.

Future me is proactive. So I am proactive.

I cut enough for the boys to have a couple small slices over the next few days, and then I wrapped up the rest for the freezer.

This emptied and clean baking dish felt better than anything else I did today.