Author: tec

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Approach. Appear.

tec

I didn’t know what the rest of my day would look like earlier when I wrote. I felt on top of everything, but in that way where you are until you suddenly aren’t.

I finished my paper clutter pile from yesterday and tried to occupy L because Chris has the flu, as well as detox from another round of medicine that didn’t get here in time. I know he feels like shit physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. I take great comfort in the fact that I am not the woman who contributes to that. That I don’t try to find (false) validation in making him feel worse. That I don’t have the means to feel better at someone else’s expense. Especially someone I love so much.

So I spent my day focused on me and my growth and my worth and betterment and evolution. And I was feeling so connected to me that I found connection with R and S and L too.

I taught S about time management. I empowered him with management of his own time, while giving him confines and boundaries to work within. I told him I was like the boss. “You gotta get this, this, and this accomplished by x time, but you manage the rest. You run your own show.” And he practiced in kind. Sometimes fast and sometimes slow. But it was his and I let him own it and he took pride in it.

I taught the same to R. “Do what you want with your last day of winter break, but any food trash needs to be cleaned by 5.” She argued she might not get it done by then and I countered reasonably and objectively, “You’ve got four and a half hours to do this one thing. Choose how you want to do it. You can wait til 4:55 and then haul ass picking up trash. Or you can do it all right now. Or you can do some now and some later. It’s your show. But ya got til 5, and if at 5 it’s not finished, your phone goes on the island until it is.”

No shame. No guilt. No tough love. No bringing up past anything. Just right here right now, reasonable objectivity. Might as well have told her the sun was gonna set by 5pm. Just a fact.

And she responded with the same respectful objectivity and it was barely even reluctant when she said, “okay”.

And L and I worked on puzzles together today. And I let it be his show and we made a game of it, but I never rushed him or did it for him. I let him lead.

I gave them the opportunity and then I stepped aside and let each of them shine today.

What a blessing and a joy to take me and my feelings and my thoughts out of the equation and just talk to them.

I was afraid I’d break today. I was hoping I’d be able to withstand the bend. Turns out I stood tall all day.

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Trying to fight when you feel like flying.

tec

The question is…

How do you proceed when you know so much about growth mindset, and the situation just sucks, and you want to reach out to someone, but don’t want advice and just want the comfort of someone’s knowing presence?

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Breathe me back to life.

tec

Today, day three, was the start of four days of kitchen.

I overachieved.

I was just going to do the dishes and cups, but each cabinet called to me and soon I had done an hour and a half of purging.

It felt soooooo good.

Allie said (quoting Nate Berkus),”be a ruthless editor” of your home. And so I took down the plates we never use and the extra glass bowls Chris hasn’t used and the extra cups, and said nope to all of it.

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And then I moved onto the island cabinets and the pots and pans cabinet (’cause that one’s pretty easy) and then the side cabinet by the fridge said, “ooh, pick me! pick me!” and so I did. I also transferred Hazel’s dry food to an old cereal container and now it looks nice and put together.

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The before pic I took of the pots and pans disappeared, so there’s only an after. But it features a photobombing Hazel, and she always makes for goodness. (Except she peed in my pantry today. So blargh a bit to that. But now I have a deep cleaned pantry, so a little less blarghidy.)

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Isn’t the dry food container a nice touch?!

The island homed all the “excess” for a couple hours while I had lunch with a new friend. (Dude. I had lunch with a friend. I have a friend. You know… potentially.)

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After I got home and made lunch (okay, so I met a friend for lunch, but we went to Subway and I don’t eaten gluten or dairy, so I went for the company, while she went for the company and the work lunch break) (which, while I’m derailing here, I want to add that I didn’t eat til after 3pm today and wasn’t hungry any of that time and drank more water today and generally just felt more connected to me instead of dependent on a connection with food. So that was really pretty cool. And…calming.) (This is also where I remember that my day started at 5:30 this morning and that is damn impressive now that I’ve remembered and stopped to think about it.)

Where was I? So many parentheses.

I got home and made lunch and then I picked up two weeks’ worth of recycling from the garage floor, so I could access the cabinets for all the kitchen excess. I moved all the island clutter to its new home through winter and now I have an amazing, chaos-less (for the most part) kitchen.

I have no idea what Allie will say to go through tomorrow. I’ll follow that if it pertains, and if it doesn’t, I’m going to organize and purge the other two upper cabinets and the third island cabinet that has somehow become the backup pantry. The overflowing open pantry drives me bonkers, but so does running out of noodles. So now I have bulk elsewhere. Always pick the lesser of the evils.

Okay, sleep for me now, after some much needed husband time.

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Touching the edge of her skin.

tec

I’m doing Allie Casazza’s Declutter Like a Mother challenge for the third year in a row. I have lots of Allie stuff and she was literally the reason I got my house decluttered in the first place. A task that was no small feat, by the way. She taught me how to declutter and throw stuff away and make use of my space. Two years ago she changed everything for me.

I remember most of her principles and often redeclutter throughout the year, but it’s never as good–never as life changing–as when I do this challenge in January.

All of November and December I could feel all the clutter–all the stuff–bubbling over, and try as I might, I wasn’t adequately getting it out of my house and off my radar.

Wednesday I spent two hours doing the bathroom and hall closet. (This completely goes against her 30 minutes a day, I know.) She says to look at the room and decide what your intent is with it. I want a place that is clean and clutter free so it can be a place of peace. Honestly, that’s pretty much what I want from every space in my home.

Day one challenge was to throw away all the trash and stuff you don’t use in your bathroom. I did the hall closet too because that’s where the buildup goes.

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Day two was supposed to be trimming down all the excess, except I don’t have 15 bottles of concealer and two dozen lipsticks because I don’t do the makeup thing, so it was moot. I was going to at least wipe down the counters, but yesterday was nonstop and I went through a bunch of paper clutter and just, no. I didn’t wanna and so I never made time for it.

I call bathrooms a huge win and the feelings I feel from tangible, kinetic productivity is immeasurable. The spaces are clear. The trash is thrown away with no extras lurking for later. I feel full in a contented way for the first time in a while.

Up next: the kitchen.

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Walking around with me.

tec

I had a moment on new year’s eve where I thought, “I just can’t do this anymore.”

And then I had a running monologue about how “this always happens” and “I always think I can do this and I fail” and “I don’t know why I even try if it never takes me to a place that feels healthy.” and then I just kept chugging along.

I know my motto is always “practice” but still, I get caught up in the perfectionism of it all. In the instant gratification. Hell, in the wish of two months being long enough to feel productive and constructive and successful.

But the honest truth is, I just don’t.

I mean, sometimes I do. But for the most-of-the-time big picture, I don’t feel productive, constructive or successful. I feel like I’m treading water and drowning and floating and waiting and buoying and treading and drowning and floating. And I’m not dead, so by default: woohoo, success. But, by like, a standard of measures I’d prefer to use? It doesn’t often feel like much.

I don’t want to feel like my day’s goal is complete just because I stick to an arbitrary eating window of noon to 7pm. I mean, there are aspects of that that are important right now, but I can clock in/clock out with it and it doesn’t feel like…purpose.

I want to find purpose. I have decent weekly goals and I attain a decent amount of them, but they don’t excite me. I want to attain a goal and be like “I worked my ass off for that and I completed it and it’s behind me and I’m a fucking rockstar.”

I just…I have no idea what that is…

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If I had a box just for wishes.

tec

It’s after midnight new years day.

S is delirious with lack of sleep. We’ve been working on his lego kit for an hour and a half.

He says sleepily, “What time is it?”

I look up at his clock and respond, “Well, it’s 12:53 on your clock and your clock is 23 minutes fast, so it’s…12:30.”

He looks at me with quiet wonder and deadpans in genuine awe, “Mom. You did the first math of the year.”

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Shaking seems to hinder every grasp.

tec

I’m counting down the minutes today.

At 9:40 I decided that since I don’t feel good, eating toast is perfectly acceptable. I didn’t. At 10, I decided I’d for sure eat something early and it was okay. I didn’t. At 10:35, I decided as long as I waited til 11, it was all good. Five minutes later I decided I’d hate myself if I ate early and it would never be worth it. I’ll wait til noon because I put these things in place to keep me safe.

I don’t know why I’m so angry today. I don’t know why I’m so mad and annoyed and short. I don’t know why it’s so hard.

I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of others ignoring what I say. I’m sick of all the nonstop, even after a weekend of relatively chill.

I feel spread so thin, but I can’t expect a three year and an issue-filled dog who sheds faster than I can keep up and a newly adopted kitten to completely fend for themselves. Neither should they have to endure my anger.

I know more lurks deeper below the surface. I just don’t know what it is.

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Inside of your hand.

tec

This morning felt sad. I could have wallowed in it. Or drowned in it. But that’s not so much my style. So L and I went to Target for a gift card I needed, and while we were there I got icicle lights for the living room.

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There is never enough light in here and this helps, without making it too bright. I like the feel of it, so I think I’ll get more tomorrow. After Christmas sales are cool like that.

I also packed up and organized L’s toy area. The clutter and excess is getting to me. I decluttered the top of Yoshi’s tank and put laundry away and picked up my stuff from our room.

And Chris asked the question, which opened up the opportunity for communication, which I took. And that always feels better.

Every chance I’m able, I’ll grab movement over stagnation.

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The middle of nowhere.

tec

For all intents and purposes, I had a really great week.

I had my kids home all week. My in laws (whom I love) came over for Christmas. I’ve had a bizarrely great relationship with my mother for the last week or two. She sent Christmas presents, which she hasn’t been able to for many years now and I sent her presents.

But amidst what was goodness, today I still feel forgotten.

I don’t know what part is truth and what part is perception. But it probably doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day (or the beginning, as it were) it still feels kinda crushing.